Another Christmas Without a Baby

This is a post I REALLY didn't want to do, but as I've mentioned before, subjects or titles will come to me, and they will just feel right. I feel it is God letting me know what He wants me to blog. I am using this blog to document our whole adoption process, and if I am going to be honest, it would not be right for me to leave out the feelings we are dealing with right now. The closer it gets to Christmas, the worse it is getting. Christmas is like a deadline, we thought we were going to have our baby by Christmas. This was supposed to be THE Christmas, the one we finally get to celebrate with a baby. Before the birth mother left, everything seemed to be going perfect. If I had written out how I wanted our "adoption story" to be, I couldn't have written it out any more perfect than how it was going. We were seeing God in so many different aspect of the process. I mentioned before about how I had just added pictures to our profile, and those were the ones that made her pick us. Connie told me how we were to be the third couple shown to the birth mother, but God eliminated the other two couples which made us the first ones shown. She looked at ours and never made it to the other two profiles Connie had available to show her. I just briefly mentioned in a previous post that God even let us know what He wanted him named. We already had a name picked out, but when we found out we were getting him, I started looking through boy names just to make sure. There was one particular name I just kept feeling drawn to because of the meaning. The day we met the birth mother, that is the name she was calling him....Matthew, which means A Gift From God. When we left our meeting with her, we went to see Eric's mom at her work. She had said that they found a perfectly good booster car seat out in the parking lot. She gave it to us to hang onto for later. Eric was holding it and noticed something written on the side of it...Matthew. Matthew is not the name I would have picked, but I just felt God was letting us know He wanted him named Matthew. So, like I said, everything seemed perfect and then she just all of a sudden left. With all the things that had happened, I just couldn't let myself believe this was really over. She did keep in contact with Connie while she was at her mother's, but once she left there, she stopped returning Connie's calls and text. Eric and I are just really struggling with this right now, because our "deadline" is almost here. In a way we just feel like if it hasn't happened by Christmas, it isn't going to happen. I know Christmas isn't a real deadline, and something could change at any moment, but for us emotionally, this is our deadline. I tried to talk Eric into just going away for Christmas, and getting a cabin in the mountains, but he wanted to stay here. I think now he is regretting staying. Eric had been real snippy with me this weekend, and we finally just had a huge blow up yesterday morning. Our tempers flared and we said things we really didn't mean. Eric is the type of person who tries to hide his emotions. He had just finally reached a breaking point, and all heck broke loose. Once we were able to finally calm down, and apologize, things did seem to be a little better. Back when we thought we were getting Matthew, someone told me at least I wouldn't have a long wait. I said but I have been waiting 9 years. They said but at least you don't have to wait 9 months to get your baby. I have to tell you, I would much rather have a 9 month wait and know that baby will be mine than to go through this. When adopting, the process can be very fast, you could even get a call that a baby is ready right then. But the shorter wait in finding out about a baby doesn't in any way make up for the years we have waited, and all the suffering we have gone through in that time.
The last several days I have not been able to sleep through the night. I've been up at 2 a.m., 4:30 a.m., and this morning it was 3:30 a.m. Just now I was thinking that if we had gotten Matthew, I would probably be up all during the night taking care of him, not sitting her typing this blog. Just knowing he is out there somewhere, and knowing there is no way he can really be taken care of the way any baby deserves is driving me crazy. She doesn't even have a home, she is on the run, so there is no telling what is happening with him. I just wish she would put her own feelings aside and put the needs of her baby first. I just don't understand these women who keep their babies when they don't have the means to truly care for them and provide a stable home for them. I am not saying I believe that giving your baby up for adoption would be an easy thing to do, but I do believe that when you are basically homeless, you need to think of your baby's needs first and let it have a chance to be part of a real family and have a real home.
I hope I'm not bringing everyone down with this post. That is why I really didn't want to do it, but I felt God wanted me to do it. Who knows, maybe it will in some way help someone who is dealing with the same type of situation. It has always helped be when reading someone else's blog to realize I am not the only one going through this, and I am not the only one who has felt the things I am feeling now. Adoption is a very hard process. I had no idea how hard it would be when we made the decision two years ago to try to adopt. You really need to be in a stable marriage to go through this process. When I saw Connie Wednesday to give her the stuff I collected for the other birth mother, she said that a lot of couples don't make it through failed adoptions. Yesterday I was beginning to think Eric and I were going to be part of that statistic. Thankfully we are better now. Mama told me last night that someone had told her that I seem to be so strong. God has protected me, because had this happened last year, I would not have made it through this. I would have fallen into such a deep depression, I don't know what would have happened. Since God has saved me now, I am handling this much better than I would have imagined, but the fact is it still hurts. I know God is helping me through this, even though lately I have not had as close of a relationship with him as I should. I do know God is in control of this whole situation. I know there is a reason for this happening, but right now that just doesn't take away the hurt. People say well I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Well, yes it was. This was meant to be part of God's plan for us. He knew this was going to happen the day we found out about this baby. We just have to make it through right now so we can see what God has "meant to be" for us later.

Peace

Sometimes when I get ready to blog, a title or subject will come to me first, and then I’ll just go from there. I have had it on my heart the last week or so to blog about the peace God has given me through the trial we are going through. That is not to say I don’t have my moments of doubt or being depressed, but for the most part, I have just had a peace about this situation. God has made Himself known to me in so many ways throughout this process. When we first found out about this baby, two ladies from work brought me two candles. When they came in they said they brought one because it was blue, and the other one was baby powder scent. I never thought much about the name on the blue one until after the birth mother left and I was beginning to realize the sense of peace I was feeling. The name on that blue candle is PEACE. Just now I was trying to find verse to include in this post, and I was in the process of searching through the 15 pages of scriptures that mention peace on biblegateway.com. I called my mom to see if she had a recommendation and as soon as she was starting to say something, I interrupted her to read one that I had just seen. It was the same exact one she was about to tell me about. Philippians 4:7, but she said that I need to include verse 6 too.

Philippians 4:6-7 - Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.

The peace I am feeling is definitely more than my human mind can understand. I should be flipping out right now. Sometimes I feel like I am about to suffocate with the desire for a baby. I feel like I am just existing until I become a mother. So how is it that I am feeling peace right now....GOD!!!

Now for an update, the birth mother has left the state. She is in Indiana. Connie sent her a text earlier this week, and she did reply. It is such a good thing that she is still keeping in contact with Connie. We just really won’t know anything for sure until she has him and she makes her final decision. Please pray for safety for her and the baby. We are really hoping she will come back to MS before she has him. All we can do now is pray, and wait to see what happens.

I really appreciate all the emails and comments. It has helped me so much to receive encouragement from so many people, and some of you I don’t even know. It just goes to show how God is using blogs to bring people together to encourage each other.

A Bump in the Road

We have reached a bump in the road. Actually it is a HUGE bump, more like a wall, and we have to find a way to get over it or around it. Our birth mother had an "episode" Tuesday night, and she has left The Christmas Village. Right now we have no idea what is going to happen. She has gone to a relative's house which is several hours away. While she was here, she was getting medical care, and she won't have the kind of care she was receiving here. She was getting a progesterone shot every Wednesday to keep her from going into labor since she has already started dilating. Well she missed her shot yesterday, and from what I understand, once you get off the schedule, you can't go back and take it later. She is 30 weeks today, so it is just too soon for him to be born. She has been through a lot in the last several weeks, and I think it has just all caught up with her. I felt so secure with this situation that I was telling everyone and blogging about all the ways God was letting us know this is going to be our son. I just find it hard to believe that with all the miracles He has shown us so far, that this is over. I mean God has even let us know what He wants him named. There is so much more that has happened that I haven't even blogged yet. I have been trying to blog about each miracle in order to keep them all separate. I haven't given up hope yet, but I have to prepare myself just in case this doesn't work out for us. Connie, with The Village of Hope, has been in contact with her. She even spoke to her last night to make sure she arrived at her destination. One positive note is that she gave Connie her correct contact information, and she was where she said she was going to be. Connie is going to give her a day to rest, and then she will contact her to see how she is doing. Please be praying for all of us. The birth mother needs prayers that she seek God in her decisions. The baby needs prayers that he will not come until he is able to be born healthy. Connie needs your prayers while dealing with the birth mother and that God would give her the words to say to her. And we need your prayers for God to help us through this. There are several days ahead that are going to be really hard for me. Tomorrow I was supposed to be going with her to her Dr. appointment to see the sonogram. There had already been two showers planned for us. My work was giving a shower on November 10, and our church was giving us a shower on November 14. I was so looking forward to those events. I was finally experiencing things that I was beginning to think would never happen for me, and now, I just don't know what to think. I know God is in control, and if He intends for this baby to be ours, it will happen. It just hurts right now not knowing what is going to happen.

How God brought us to The Village of Hope

I have posted about this before, but I just want to remind everyone how God brought us to The Christmas Village and The Village of Hope. Last summer a friend of mine told me that his wife new of a woman who was going to give her baby up for adoption. He gave me his wife’s number and when I called , she was very encouraging and acted like she thought this would all work out. When you are so desperate for a baby, all you need is just a little bit of encouragement and you’re hooked. I just knew this was God answering our prayer, and this was going to be our baby. Little did I know that this was an answer to prayer, but just not in the way I wanted it to be. I talked to her a few more times and she was still being encouraging. Several weeks went by and I finally called her again. This time she was not being encouraging. She never came out and said it, but I could tell she knew something and this was not going to be our child. I had convinced myself this was going to be our child, so I was devastated this was not it. I got so depressed, and I was getting mad at God all over again. The next day I read Barbie Bassett’s blog, and it really opened my eyes. She was saying that when we take our eyes off of God, we are mince meat for Satan. Boy was he having a good time with me. I was reacting exactly how he wanted me to, and that was turning my back on God. Thankfully God stepped in and basically shook me. I normally wouldn’t have ever emailed Barbie, but I just wanted to let her know how her blog basically saved me from walking away from God. I told her a little bit about what we had been through, and when she replied to me, she let me know she is on the board for The Christmas Village. I had never even heard of them. She gave me the information on how to contact them, and we had our first meeting with them on September 11, 2008. At the time they were starting their adoption ministry, which is The Village of Hope. I can clearly look back now and see that had we not heard about that baby, and if I had not gotten so depressed, Barbie’s blog would not have meant what it did to me, and I wouldn’t be about to become the mama for this little boy. God uses situations that aren’t any fun to go through at the time to bring you to where He wants you to be.

Our first meeting with the birth mother

Yesterday Eric and I had our first meeting with the birth mother, mama R. It really was an awesome experience. Of course we were a little nervous at first, but she was really easy to talk to. She was telling us about what made her choose us. There were two items in our profile that really let her know we were the ones. Those two items were not in our profile when we turned it in Sept. of 08. We were asked a week ago Tuesday (Oct. 6) if we wanted our profile shown to this birth mother. We did, and she was supposed to see the profiles the next day, however she had to go to the hospital Tuesday night so they did not want to show her on Wednesday because they wanted her to be well rested and have a clear mind when she looked at profiles. They said they would show them to her on Friday. Well, on Friday she was not having a very good day, so they decided to wait until the next Wednesday (Oct 14). On Saturday I decided to ask Connie if I could get our profile back to add more pictures from this past year. When I called her, I just happened to catch her when she was about to leave to come to our area. It was perfect timing. That night Eric and I were watching a movie, and I just couldn't keep my mind on the movie. I kept thinking of writing a new letter to the birth mother for our profile. God took over and I believe I said exactly what He wanted me to say in that letter. I also added more pictures to the profile. The last picture was a picture of the baby's room. We bought our house from Eric's brother, and before Cody was born, Eric's dad painted Winnie the Pooh on the walls of the room. We had been using the room for storage so I never had a reason to take pictures of it. We put our house on the market back in the spring, so we put up a baby bed and put a rocking chair in there for potential buyers to see. If we had not put our house on the market, I would never have had a picture of that room to put in our profile. The two things that made her pick us was the second letter I wrote, and the picture of the baby's room. If the things had not happened last week to put off her seeing the profiles, we would not have had those items in our profile. God knew what we needed in there to make her feel connected to us. This is just one example of the miracle of God bringing us together with mama R.

I'M GONNA BE A MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep saying it over and over, I'm gonna be a mama, hoping it will sink in soon. A birth mother looked at our profile on Wednesday, and she picked us! From the very beginning, I have wanted to be able to see God's hand in putting us with the child we are to adopt. Well, my prayers are being answered in a BIG way. Connie, the lady with the agency, said she wished I would have told her that so she could have been prepared. There is no doubt that God has picked this child for us, and us for him. Oh, and by the way, this IS the sign from God not to go with that other agency. I found out about this on Tuesday morning, and I had planned to mail our application to that other agency Tuesday afternoon. Boy, talk about slapping me in the face with an answer. Wow! I will post more about how God is working in this later because I want to be able to tell our church family before I go into too much detail. The news right now is that we will be getting a baby BOY, and he will be born in December. That is the BEST Christmas present I'll ever receive. God knows my desire to be as involved as possible with this child, and the birth mother has already said she would like for me to go to the rest of her Dr. appointments, and guess what???????? I GET TO BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so overjoyed. I get to see our baby born. We will meet the birth mother this Saturday, so please be praying for us. I know this is going to be a very emotional time for all of us. I can't wait to see her belly and know that is my son in there. I will post more after we tell our church on Sunday.

A sign from God

God did give us a sign about the agency situation. We will not be signing up with the other agency. It was a definite answer to our prayers. We know without a doubt He wants us to stay put. Whenever I would think about changing agencies, I would always think, "Be still and know I am God".

More information to come....SOON!

Prayer Request

Please pray for Eric and I as we are making a decision about signing up with a different adoption agency. The agency we are with is great, but they are small and new. We have been with them for a year now. My grandmother mailed me a newspaper clipping this week about an adoption agency. We are now looking into that agency. I just want to be with whoever God wants us to be with. Please pray God will let us know what He wants us to do. I will update next week about what we will be doing.

Blessed by blogs

I have mentioned before how I have been blessed by blogs. There is a particular blog that I have kept up with for a while. It is written by a woman whose name happens to be Malinda too, and she has adopted a precious little girl. I have emailed with her, and she has been so encouraging. There have been times when I have thought "its never going to happen for us", then I would think of Malinda and her husband. They had to wait a long time too, and look what a precious gift they received. I always thought I would love to meet her some day. Well that someday happened Friday night. I was at the Beth Moore simulcast at Broadmoor Baptist Church in Madison, and there she was. At first I wondered if that was really her. She walked past me, and I said her name, but she must not have heard me. Then I saw her with someone I had seen on her blog so I knew it was her. It was all I could do to wait until the simulcast was over to speak to her. It was almost like meeting someone famous. I was so nervous walking up to her. When I approached her I said "Malinda?". You should have seen the look on her face. You talk about a deer in the head light look. I was afraid I had scared her to death. I explained to her that I read her blog and that we have emailed before. I was so amazed she knew who I was. It was nothing but a "God thing" that our paths crossed when they did. When I got home that night I decided to take one of the necklaces I made and give it to her for Sara Madalin, her little girl. Malinda posted on her blog today about our meeting, and she has a picture of Sara Madalin wearing the necklace. This was such a wonderful meeting, and it meant so much to me for her to blog about it. Please take a minute to check out her post for today.
http://agiftworththewait.blogspot.com/2009/08/lets-delight-ourselves-in-lord.html If you want an additional blessing, look up her adoption testimony and watch the video. Let me tell you now, you better go ahead and get a tissue. It is such a sweet video, and they were able to capture moments that most adoptive parents never get to see.

Keep on Praying

Last month during the revival, I prayed telling God I want to make him first in my life. My hope of getting a baby has been first for a long time. In my mind I was giving it to God. Then Bro. Tony tells me that when I was saved he had a vision me and Eric up in front of the church with a baby. Well, that just brought it all back to the top again. I have really been struggling with how to handle this. In my mind if I give it to God, I am not to pray about it anymore. He has it and he is taking care of it. I feel like if I have given something to him, and I continue to pray for it, I haven’t fully given it to him. This may not be how we are supposed to view giving something to God, but that is just how I feel. My mama is the person I always go to with spiritual questions. I finally asked her about this Monday night, and she didn’t know how to answer the question of whether or not we are to keep praying for something if we have given it to God. I told her there is a scripture that I wanted to find. All I could think was that it said “keep on praying”. Tuesday she and I both were searching for this scripture. We found several that were similar, but not the one I was thinking of. Last night when I sat down with my bible, I just opened it and started reading, I turned the page, and there it was….Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7 Then when I went to bed, the book I’m reading had a reference back to that same exact same scripture. An email was forwarded to me from someone who has a scripture at the bottom of her emails…Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
OK God, I hear you….KEEP ON PRAYING!!!!!!!!!!!

Part II

When I was blogging last night, I felt the need to get up in front of the church to tell them about how everything happened, about putting God first, not the desire to have a baby. Bro Tony got up and said that when he stood up last night during the invitation and was speaking to the congregation about whoever needed to come down, he said he looked at me and knew it was me. He said that when I finally came down and was with our pastor, he said in his mind he saw me and Eric up front holding our baby for the baby dedication. When I called my mama to tell her about this, she asked me why I thought he didn't tell me this last night. I believe there is a reason, it needed to be public. My church family needed to hear this. It would not have the same affect if I told them this is what he said, they needed to hear it for themselves. That is why I felt that desire to tell them about me changing my priorities. I told y'all that Sue said my face popped into her mind when she was praying, but she also said that earlier she had prayed that whatever is keeping us from having a baby, that it be taken away. My prayer has been that our having a child would bring glory to God. I want is to be seen without a doubt. Y'all need to stay tuned, cause I have a feeling this is about to get interesting....

Delight yourself in the Lord

I know some of you may think I have dropped off the face of the earth. It has been a while since I have had a post. To update you on my mom, she is doing good. She will not have to have treatments. What a blessing.
We are having our revival this weekend. Tonight during the invitation I went to the alter to pray. I was praying for God to make a change in my life. I told Him I want to make Him number 1 in my life. For so long, having a baby has been number 1 in my life. I told God that I wanted to make Him first, even if that meant not ever having children. I went back to my seat and the invitation went on. We had our closing prayer, and when the preacher went to the back of the church, a man told him he had something to say. He got up there and said he felt there was someone there who was lost and needed to get their life right with God. Bro. Tony spoke and said he was feeling the same thing, but the fact that that man came forward only confirmed his feelings. We sang a couple of verses of Just as I Am, and nobody came forward. They were about to close again, and one of our deacons came forward and said he really felt there was someone who needed to get right with God. He asked that we sing another verse. After two more verses, the person finally came forward, it was me! I had been standing back there fighting saying it isn't me, they aren't talking about me. I kept praying, God, if it is me, let me know. I can't explain it. I just felt like I was being pushed, and my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I have heard of others say they had been in church all of their lives, and they thought they were saved, but later in life they realized they weren't. Well, I am now one of those people. I thought I was saved, but the last several years, I have been putting wanting a child first in my life. After I prayed for God to be number one, even if it meant not having children, I was finally able to open my heart. After the service Sue came up to me to tell me that she was praying for whoever needed to come forward and my face popped into her mind. She said she just gasped when she looked up and I had come forward. The last two nights Bro. Tony has said, delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. I realized tonight that I had let the desires of my heart keep me from delighting myself in the Lord.

Strike 3

Last week we heard about another potential baby. It was one of those situations that a friend of a friend of a friend new someone who is giving their baby up. She had planned to just leave the baby at the hospital, but someone she knows is trying to help her find a family for her baby. An email was sent out requesting potential adoptive parent’s to call this person. I called and left my name and contact numbers. After waiting a couple of days and not hearing anything back, I called the number and the message said “If you are calling about an email that went out about a baby to adopt, the situation has been resolved”. As usual, I had gotten my hopes up. I tried really hard to not let it happen, but it did. I was upset, but I had so many people praying for us that it wasn’t as hard as it has been in the past when one didn’t work out.
I had sent the email home so that Eric could read it, and much to my surprise, he sent an email out to all of our church requesting prayer for us. I have to tell you, I was shocked when I received it. The following is the email Eric sent out:

Hey Everybody!!,
I really need your help!!
Melinda received this email today from From Tiffany( They have been communicating through their blogs). What I need from our church is LOVE.
Please Pray For this Situation. I need each of you to boldly approach his throne of grace in our behalf. If this is not the child we are to receive, please pray that he will give Melinda a peace about this situation. We love you guys and trust each of you with our spiritual growth. What we need right now is our church family to come together in one voice you guys know our heart in this situation and thank you more than you know.

Love ,
Eric


We received so many replies to this email with people praying for us. I can’t tell you how much it meant to us. I want to thank our church family for being there for us and for your continued prayers as we continue to search for our baby.

My arms are still empty

Today I was thinking that I really need to blog, but I wasn't sure what to blog about. I was trying to think of a title and these were the words that came to mind, "my arms are still empty". I really believed we would have our baby before the holidays. I guess I just really wanted to have it before the holidays so bad that I just let myself believe it would happen. There is such a HUGE void in my life that will only be filled when I am able to hold our baby. Anyone who has dealt with infertility will understand this, and believe it or not, there are a lot of people out there who think we should be able to just shrug it off. Clearly they haven't had a situation where their absolute deepest desire has not been met. I know we can't all know what it is like to know what someone else is feeling, but we should all be able to at least show compassion.
I know there are a lot of people out there praying for Eric and me, and our baby. PLEASE continue to pray. We need it SO much!!!

Pity party

Tonight I have had myself a pity party. Things at work haven't been too good lately (we will just leave it at that), Eric and I have been arguing today, the jewelry sales haven't been what I had hoped they would be, so tonight I started gathering some of the beads I haven't made up and I am going to return them. I can't stand seeing a negative balance, and the sales that I have made haven't come close to paying for what I have purchased. I started making jewelry to help pay for the adoption, and seeing the business in the red is driving me crazy. While packing up the beads I started feeling sorry for myself. I started feeling like such a failure, and feeling like I was worthless. When I need someone to turn to I usually call my mama. She is so much more to me than just my mother. I guess being an only child brought us closer together since I didn't have any siblings to bond with. She is more like a sister to me than a mother. I had been on the phone with her for about 20 minutes and I came and sat down in front of the computer. I pulled up the email, and this is the email she had sent just minutes before I even called her:

Psalm 139:14 (NKJ) New King James
I will praise YOU for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Is it sometimes hard to feel good about yourself? Are you your own worst critic? With human criticism, are you constantly trying to transform yourself into a person who meets society's expectations but not GOD's expectations?
Have you ever wondered how GOD views your life? Do you worry that HE sees your flaws and mistakes and loves you less? Amazingly GOD knows you perfectly and loves you completely just the way you are. You are HIS masterpiece, HIS workmanship of grace and love. Do You have a hard time accepting that.
GOD determines your worth, you were created by GOD. It was GOD who gave your life value. It is GOD who gives you worth, and with out GOD, life has no value. Don't let others dictate your worth.See yourself as valuable because GOD does.

When you feel worthless and down yourself remember GOD made you and GOD doesn't make JUNK. So go look in the mirror and say...WOW I'm a child of the KING. THANK YOU JESUS.

I just had to share one more example of how God is working in my life. We may not be able to hear God with our ears, but if we listen, and lately with me it has been through blogs and emails, we will hear him and know he is speaking to us.

P.S. I am not giving up on the jewelry business. I think I may have gotten a little carried away with buying beads, and I have just decided to cut back my inventory of beads until I can make enough to get the business in the black. I sure do dread taking all of it back to the store. I am going to be one of those customers they hate to see coming.

Waiting

I have read two blogs today that were talking about waiting. The following poem was in one of the blogs:

Days of Heaven upon Earth
Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!Till next steps made plain shall be;To hear, with the inner hearing,The Voice that will call for me.
Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!With hope that need not grow dim;The Master is pledged to guide me,And my eyes are unto Him.
Waiting! Expectantly waiting!Perhaps it may be today The Master will quickly open The gate to my future way.
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!I know, though I've waited long,That, while He withholds His purpose,His waiting cannot be wrong.
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!The Master will not be late:He knoweth that I am waiting For Him to unlatch the gate.--J. D. Smith

The verse that touched me the most in this poem is:
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!I know, though I've waited long,That, while He withholds His purpose,His waiting cannot be wrong.

Just knowing God has a reason for us to have to wait, does seem to make the waiting just a little bit easier. I recently read on another blog "God never wastes a hurt". My prayer is that through all of the pain and suffering we have been through, we will be able to touch someones life.

The second blog was Barbie's blog. You can click on the link to read her blog today. http://barbiebassett.blogspot.com/2008/11/when-you-cant-wait.html

It still amazes me how God is using blogs to speak to me. The waiting is getting harder and harder each day we get closer to the holidays. I am so ready to hold my baby I just can't hardly stand it. God has a wonderful plan to bring us together with the child he has made for us. Now all we have to do is......wait.

Fighting doubt

Boy the devil has been at working on me this week. We had such a blessing over the weekend, but the devil can't stand for us to be happy and filled with the holy spirit. He has been putting doubt in my head these last few days. Saturday night when everyone else was being prayed for, I was praying so hard for them to do the same for me and Eric. I know we all lost track of time that night, but I would say that it was at least 45 minutes to an hour before Eric and I were called up to be prayed for. I know in my heart that God laid it on Rosie's heart to have us prayed for, but the devil is trying to make me believe it was just coincidence, that it wasn't God. I heard from Connie with the adoption ministry yesterday, and she said that so far everyone has changed their mind about adoption or they want help but don't want to consider adoption. They are keeping their babies because it means more money for them from the government. That just infuriates me. They are not keeping the babies to love them, nurture them, and watch them grow. They are keeping them for the money. What kind of life is that child going to have when all they mean to their mother is a pay check? You see, things like that just bring me doubt. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. My heart is telling me to trust God and he is going to provide us with a family, my head (the devil) is telling me it isn't ever going to happen. I was so fired up Saturday night and Sunday, but the devil wants to bring me down. I am fighting so hard to not let him do that. I need to stay strong in my belief that God is in control and he is going to bring us our baby. The closer it gets to the holidays, the harder it is for me to be patient. Everyone knows what a joy children bring to the holidays. Well for anyone dealing with infertility, it just reminds you of the void in your life each time the holidays roll around. The holidays have been one of the hardest times of the year for me. It was Christmas time last year when we decided we were ready to adopt. I have wanted and prayed for us to have our baby by the holidays this year, but with each passing day, the closer the holidays get, I start to have more and more doubt. Everyone says it will happen in God's time. I do believe that, but when you are hungry and feeling like you are going to starve to death, does it make your hunger any less if someone tells you you can't eat yet because it isn't time to eat, but we will give you something when the time is right??? I know in my heart God is going to provide, he was showing me that on Saturday night, so why am I feeling this way now? The devil. When we get on fire for God, the devil will do whatever he can to put our fire out.
God has put the word hope in front of me several times this week. The agency we are using is The Village of Hope. Someone gave me a copy of an article in November's Homelife which is about adoption. They mention Steven Curtis Chapman's organization called Shaohanna's Hope. I receive daily emailed verses from KLOVE, and this week they are about hope. God is trying to tell my that my hope is with Him. I have to trust Him. These are the verses I have received this week:
And so, Lord, where do I put my Hope? My only hope is in you. Psalm 39:7
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise. Hebrews 10:23
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Revival

We are having our revival at church this weekend. Bro. Tony Byrd is AWESOME!!! During the invitation I went to the alter to pray for our adoption. While I was up there, Bro. Tony's wife came up there and asked if she could pray for me. She asked if I had a special need and I told her we are trying to adopt. After she prayed for us she told our pastor she had something she needed to say. She said that God had laid it on her heart that someone there was struggling because they couldn't have a baby. She said that it took 7 years for them to have their first child. It was seven years after that that they had their second, and 21 months later they had their third. Now do your math and 21 divided by 3 is..... 7. Isn't that amazing. She went on to say that their oldest son had at one time strayed away from God. But I've got to tell y'all, I have NEVER seen a young person so on fire for God. It was amazing to see God working. Our preacher started talking about his son and how he wants him to be saved. They laid hands on Bro. Jack and his wife Rosie. Then they laid hands on Vic and Janice praying for Mikal. Then they prayed for Rosie's nephew. Now I know I'm going to sound SO selfish when I say this, but I was so disappointed that they didn't lay hands on me and Eric. I sat there praying for someone to request they pray for us. Now let me back up here for a minute. This is the first church I have been in that when someone has a need, they will call them upfront to lay hands on them and pray for them. Before Eric and I decided to adopt, and I was still hoping for us to have our own child, I had really wanted God to lay it on the preacher's heart to call us up and pray for us, but it never happened. After we decided to adopt, I had wanted them to pray for us. God wasn't ready for that to happen, well tonight it finally happened. I just new it was about to be over and we had not been prayed for. Rosie stood up and said that she wanted them to pray for me and Eric. I can't tell y'all what that meant to me. God answered my prayer. After waiting so long for a baby, I have had my doubts that it will ever happen. Well tonight I can say that without a doubt I know we are going to have a baby. I have prayed for our adoption to be a testament to God. I want people to be able to see that without a shadow of a doubt, it was God, and I want the glory to go to Him. For those of you who have had God speak to you, isn't it awesome???? Our church started at 6:30 tonight, and we didn't get out until 10:00. God is at work, but the devil is working too. Bro Tony said that before he started preaching his throat was hurting so bad, but once he got started preaching, the pain went away. He knew something amazing was going to happen. You could just feel the presence of God. Now as I am typing this, the devil does not want me to do tell of the events of tonight. Eric and I are tired and arguing. He keeps making noises and asking questions, and I keep asking him to hush. I am having problems concentrating, but I am typing anyway. So if any of this doesn't make sense, we'll blame it on the devil. I just can't express in words what I am feeling tonight. I feel like I have had a heavy, heavy burden lifted. I have doubted whether or not I will ever be a mom. Well tonight God has let me know that one day someone is going to call me mama.

The Ups and Downs of Adoption

These last few days have been rough. Wednesday a lady called me to tell me that someone had just approached her asking if she new a good couple wanting to adopt. She had just learned at her bible study last week that Eric and I are wanting to adopt. She immediately thought of us. There is a teenager in Memphis who is giving her baby boy up for adoption, and he is due next week. There was a couple who was supposed to adopt this baby, but she just found out she has cancer. I just cannot imagine what she must be going through. To get to the point of just waiting for your baby to be born, only to find out you can't take it because you have cancer. Please pray for this couple. I have been waiting since Wednesday to hear something. To say the least it has been very nerve racking waiting on a phone call that never comes. Today I received an email from the lady who had contacted me, she said that they have already found a couple to adopt the baby. As much as I try not to get my hopes up, how can you help but not get them up??? We have waited so long, it sometimes seems like we will be waiting forever. Then to think the wait might be over next week! I have been fighting back the tears, and then I read yet another blog that helps me to get my emotions back in order. This is the blog I read: http://ourgrowingfamily02.blogspot.com/2008/09/glorious-holden.html Now you tell me God wasn't speaking to me through this blog. God knows what we need to hear, when we need to hear it.

How God uses blogs

I am wanting to stress the significance and importance of the blog I read that helped change my life. I mentioned it in my first blog, but I feel the need to elaborate a little. Barbie said exactly what I needed to hear, at the exact time I needed to hear it. I had to get to such a low point in order for her words to open my eyes to what I was doing. It was exactly like she said, I had taken my eyes off the Father, and I was mince meat for Satan. I could have read those exact words, but they would not have affected me the same way if I had not just realized that things weren't going to work out with that baby, and been so depressed about it. If things hadn't happened the way they did I never would have emailed her, and she wouldn't have been able to get us in touch with the people who will make our dreams of becoming parents come true. As important as it is to me to become a mother, the best part about this whole thing is that my eyes were opened to God. For the first time in a very long time, I was able to see God working in my life.
Recently I stumbled across another blog. Let me just say this, God had to have wanted me to see this blog because I came across it by accident, then the next day I tried going back to it the same way I had originally found it, I finally stopped after over 2000 blogs. After going through all of that, I finally figured out how to do a search for blogs and found it. I think I need blogs for dummys. This one is also listed under my blogs, blessed beyond measure. It was so awesome to read a couples walk through the adoption process. Reading this blog made the whole process seem more real to me. It is hard for me to explain, but after wanting a baby for so long, I have lost touch with what it will be like to actually have one. It is like I have had this goal for so long, I have forgotten what it will be like when the goal if finally reached. I know you may not understand this, but reading this blog just opened my eyes to what it will be like. God used this blog to remind me that our day is coming. The whole thing seemed more real to me after reading this blog.
You never know how God is going to speak to you. It may even be through a blog.