Another Christmas Without a Baby

This is a post I REALLY didn't want to do, but as I've mentioned before, subjects or titles will come to me, and they will just feel right. I feel it is God letting me know what He wants me to blog. I am using this blog to document our whole adoption process, and if I am going to be honest, it would not be right for me to leave out the feelings we are dealing with right now. The closer it gets to Christmas, the worse it is getting. Christmas is like a deadline, we thought we were going to have our baby by Christmas. This was supposed to be THE Christmas, the one we finally get to celebrate with a baby. Before the birth mother left, everything seemed to be going perfect. If I had written out how I wanted our "adoption story" to be, I couldn't have written it out any more perfect than how it was going. We were seeing God in so many different aspect of the process. I mentioned before about how I had just added pictures to our profile, and those were the ones that made her pick us. Connie told me how we were to be the third couple shown to the birth mother, but God eliminated the other two couples which made us the first ones shown. She looked at ours and never made it to the other two profiles Connie had available to show her. I just briefly mentioned in a previous post that God even let us know what He wanted him named. We already had a name picked out, but when we found out we were getting him, I started looking through boy names just to make sure. There was one particular name I just kept feeling drawn to because of the meaning. The day we met the birth mother, that is the name she was calling him....Matthew, which means A Gift From God. When we left our meeting with her, we went to see Eric's mom at her work. She had said that they found a perfectly good booster car seat out in the parking lot. She gave it to us to hang onto for later. Eric was holding it and noticed something written on the side of it...Matthew. Matthew is not the name I would have picked, but I just felt God was letting us know He wanted him named Matthew. So, like I said, everything seemed perfect and then she just all of a sudden left. With all the things that had happened, I just couldn't let myself believe this was really over. She did keep in contact with Connie while she was at her mother's, but once she left there, she stopped returning Connie's calls and text. Eric and I are just really struggling with this right now, because our "deadline" is almost here. In a way we just feel like if it hasn't happened by Christmas, it isn't going to happen. I know Christmas isn't a real deadline, and something could change at any moment, but for us emotionally, this is our deadline. I tried to talk Eric into just going away for Christmas, and getting a cabin in the mountains, but he wanted to stay here. I think now he is regretting staying. Eric had been real snippy with me this weekend, and we finally just had a huge blow up yesterday morning. Our tempers flared and we said things we really didn't mean. Eric is the type of person who tries to hide his emotions. He had just finally reached a breaking point, and all heck broke loose. Once we were able to finally calm down, and apologize, things did seem to be a little better. Back when we thought we were getting Matthew, someone told me at least I wouldn't have a long wait. I said but I have been waiting 9 years. They said but at least you don't have to wait 9 months to get your baby. I have to tell you, I would much rather have a 9 month wait and know that baby will be mine than to go through this. When adopting, the process can be very fast, you could even get a call that a baby is ready right then. But the shorter wait in finding out about a baby doesn't in any way make up for the years we have waited, and all the suffering we have gone through in that time.
The last several days I have not been able to sleep through the night. I've been up at 2 a.m., 4:30 a.m., and this morning it was 3:30 a.m. Just now I was thinking that if we had gotten Matthew, I would probably be up all during the night taking care of him, not sitting her typing this blog. Just knowing he is out there somewhere, and knowing there is no way he can really be taken care of the way any baby deserves is driving me crazy. She doesn't even have a home, she is on the run, so there is no telling what is happening with him. I just wish she would put her own feelings aside and put the needs of her baby first. I just don't understand these women who keep their babies when they don't have the means to truly care for them and provide a stable home for them. I am not saying I believe that giving your baby up for adoption would be an easy thing to do, but I do believe that when you are basically homeless, you need to think of your baby's needs first and let it have a chance to be part of a real family and have a real home.
I hope I'm not bringing everyone down with this post. That is why I really didn't want to do it, but I felt God wanted me to do it. Who knows, maybe it will in some way help someone who is dealing with the same type of situation. It has always helped be when reading someone else's blog to realize I am not the only one going through this, and I am not the only one who has felt the things I am feeling now. Adoption is a very hard process. I had no idea how hard it would be when we made the decision two years ago to try to adopt. You really need to be in a stable marriage to go through this process. When I saw Connie Wednesday to give her the stuff I collected for the other birth mother, she said that a lot of couples don't make it through failed adoptions. Yesterday I was beginning to think Eric and I were going to be part of that statistic. Thankfully we are better now. Mama told me last night that someone had told her that I seem to be so strong. God has protected me, because had this happened last year, I would not have made it through this. I would have fallen into such a deep depression, I don't know what would have happened. Since God has saved me now, I am handling this much better than I would have imagined, but the fact is it still hurts. I know God is helping me through this, even though lately I have not had as close of a relationship with him as I should. I do know God is in control of this whole situation. I know there is a reason for this happening, but right now that just doesn't take away the hurt. People say well I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Well, yes it was. This was meant to be part of God's plan for us. He knew this was going to happen the day we found out about this baby. We just have to make it through right now so we can see what God has "meant to be" for us later.

Thankful for my church family

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful church family. They really came through for the girl who is having her baby next week. Any time there is a need, my church family is always willing to help others. Anyone who comes to our church always comments on how friendly everyone is and how they felt so welcome there. When Eric and I were visiting other churches, we were rarely even spoken to. When we went to this church, we had people lining up to come speak to us. I knew from the first time we went there that that was where I wanted to be. We had passed by this church for two years, and had never even given thought to going there. I am so thankful God led us to that church and to the wonderful people there.

Why Me God???

I know a lot of you are anxious for an update, but I can assure you that you can’t be any more anxious than I am. I talked to Connie Monday and she has not been able to get in touch with the birth mother. Just from my own speculation, I figure she has probably had him and doesn’t want to talk to Connie now that she’s had him. I would really like to have closure and know for sure, but we may never know.
When I talked to Connie Monday I had asked her about the needs of the women at The Christmas Village. I had thought our ladies group at church could get Christmas presents for them. She said they have a lady now who has an urgent need. She is scheduled for a C-section on December 17 and she doesn’t have hardly anything for her baby. She is planning to raise her son. Her family isn’t having anything to do with her because she is keeping him. All she has for him is some Onesies and bottles. I have asked my church family to donate items for her and her baby. I have to say, this isn’t something I really wanted to do. I mean basically I am helping her to be able to keep her baby. I just wonder how she plans to provide for her baby, and why she wouldn’t let a family adopt the baby to provide a home for him. I hate it, but that is the selfish side of me thinking this. I would love nothing more than to bring that baby home, but for some reason I just feel really strongly about helping this lady. I feel God is really wanting to use me to help her. I’m not sure why he would pick me. I just want to detach myself from this type of situation, but I am going to do WHATEVER I feel He wants me to do.

Peace

Sometimes when I get ready to blog, a title or subject will come to me first, and then I’ll just go from there. I have had it on my heart the last week or so to blog about the peace God has given me through the trial we are going through. That is not to say I don’t have my moments of doubt or being depressed, but for the most part, I have just had a peace about this situation. God has made Himself known to me in so many ways throughout this process. When we first found out about this baby, two ladies from work brought me two candles. When they came in they said they brought one because it was blue, and the other one was baby powder scent. I never thought much about the name on the blue one until after the birth mother left and I was beginning to realize the sense of peace I was feeling. The name on that blue candle is PEACE. Just now I was trying to find verse to include in this post, and I was in the process of searching through the 15 pages of scriptures that mention peace on biblegateway.com. I called my mom to see if she had a recommendation and as soon as she was starting to say something, I interrupted her to read one that I had just seen. It was the same exact one she was about to tell me about. Philippians 4:7, but she said that I need to include verse 6 too.

Philippians 4:6-7 - Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.

The peace I am feeling is definitely more than my human mind can understand. I should be flipping out right now. Sometimes I feel like I am about to suffocate with the desire for a baby. I feel like I am just existing until I become a mother. So how is it that I am feeling peace right now....GOD!!!

Now for an update, the birth mother has left the state. She is in Indiana. Connie sent her a text earlier this week, and she did reply. It is such a good thing that she is still keeping in contact with Connie. We just really won’t know anything for sure until she has him and she makes her final decision. Please pray for safety for her and the baby. We are really hoping she will come back to MS before she has him. All we can do now is pray, and wait to see what happens.

I really appreciate all the emails and comments. It has helped me so much to receive encouragement from so many people, and some of you I don’t even know. It just goes to show how God is using blogs to bring people together to encourage each other.

No News is Good News

I want to start by thanking everyone for your prayers, your emails, and your comments. I can't tell you how it has made me feel to receive so much encouragement. This has been a rough week, but I'm OK. When they say adoption is a roller coaster ride, they weren't kidding. We were so excited and so confident, and in a matter of just two weeks, everything changed. I still have hope for this baby to be ours. This door is definitely not closed. I did talk to Connie today, but there isn't really much to tell. The mother is still where she said she was going to be. She has a new cell and she gave Connie her new number. She and Connie developed a relationship because Connie was the one who was with her the most. It is a very good thing that she is keeping the lines of communication open. When we met her, I gave her a bracelet that I made. Unfortunately the clasp broke, so I have gotten it back to fix it. Connie asked her if she wanted her to mail the bracelet to her, and she does. I look at that as a good sign since she still wants it. So, like I said, no new is good news. At least we still have a shot at this baby becoming part of our family. Please keep praying for the mother, the baby, Connie, and us. We all needs your prayers as we go through this.

A Bump in the Road

We have reached a bump in the road. Actually it is a HUGE bump, more like a wall, and we have to find a way to get over it or around it. Our birth mother had an "episode" Tuesday night, and she has left The Christmas Village. Right now we have no idea what is going to happen. She has gone to a relative's house which is several hours away. While she was here, she was getting medical care, and she won't have the kind of care she was receiving here. She was getting a progesterone shot every Wednesday to keep her from going into labor since she has already started dilating. Well she missed her shot yesterday, and from what I understand, once you get off the schedule, you can't go back and take it later. She is 30 weeks today, so it is just too soon for him to be born. She has been through a lot in the last several weeks, and I think it has just all caught up with her. I felt so secure with this situation that I was telling everyone and blogging about all the ways God was letting us know this is going to be our son. I just find it hard to believe that with all the miracles He has shown us so far, that this is over. I mean God has even let us know what He wants him named. There is so much more that has happened that I haven't even blogged yet. I have been trying to blog about each miracle in order to keep them all separate. I haven't given up hope yet, but I have to prepare myself just in case this doesn't work out for us. Connie, with The Village of Hope, has been in contact with her. She even spoke to her last night to make sure she arrived at her destination. One positive note is that she gave Connie her correct contact information, and she was where she said she was going to be. Connie is going to give her a day to rest, and then she will contact her to see how she is doing. Please be praying for all of us. The birth mother needs prayers that she seek God in her decisions. The baby needs prayers that he will not come until he is able to be born healthy. Connie needs your prayers while dealing with the birth mother and that God would give her the words to say to her. And we need your prayers for God to help us through this. There are several days ahead that are going to be really hard for me. Tomorrow I was supposed to be going with her to her Dr. appointment to see the sonogram. There had already been two showers planned for us. My work was giving a shower on November 10, and our church was giving us a shower on November 14. I was so looking forward to those events. I was finally experiencing things that I was beginning to think would never happen for me, and now, I just don't know what to think. I know God is in control, and if He intends for this baby to be ours, it will happen. It just hurts right now not knowing what is going to happen.

Cradle

A very special friend of ours bought a cradle for us last summer. She was going to an estate sale when she passed this elderly couple's home who had put a few things out for a garage sale. She said the cradle caught her eye so she stopped. She talked to the couple about the cradle, and the man had made it in hopes of one day having grandchildren. Since they haven't had any grandchildren he decided to go ahead and sell it. It is a beautiful wood cradle. My friend bought the cradle the morning of July 11th, and that night during revival I was saved. She said she was about to burst when I went up front. She told my mama that night what she had done, and it nearly killed her not to tell me.
Thank you Rita! We love you!