OK God, I'm Finally Listening

You would think that once I finally have a child, I would be posting about him all the time. Well, everytime I think about blogging, I know there is a something I am supposed to post about, and I just don't want to do it. It is very personal feelings, but I feel that God is wanting me to share this. So, I hope it touches the right person.
When the adoption in April fell apart, I became VERY bitter. I don't know how other people could stand me, because I couldn't even stand myself. I withdrew from everyone, even God. I didn't want to see or speak to anyone, including Him. I was holding onto that bitterness so strong that when we got Brody, I found it hard to let go and accept the gift that God was giving me. When Brody was brought to us, I was told that he mainly went to men. That first night I was only able to hold him for about 5 minutes, but every man who was here that night was able to hold him. Brody and I have had our issues of him pushing me away. Even now he wants his daddy to put him down, and he will even push me away sometimes when giving him a bath. I have yet to get to hold him during church. He may come to me for a second, but he is right back with his daddy. I want him to want me just as much as I want him. It hurts me so bad when he will literally push on me and cry for his daddy. I know he loves me, because he doesn't always do this, but for some reason, he will still push me away sometimes. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day, that is how God must feel when I am pushing Him away. He is wanting me to cling to him, all the while I am pushing him away. I have thought for so long that once I become a mother, my life is going to be perfect because that is the one thing I am missing. I was wrong. I have pushed God away, and my life isn't the same without Him. I know God has wanted me to write this for a long time. As much as I have tried, I just couldn't get my relationship right with Him. Even as I am typing this, I am feeling a weight lifting. Until I obeyed Him, things just weren't going to be the same as they were before I became so bitter. No matter what it is in this life that we think will make us complete, including a child, we will never be complete without God in our lives. I pray that whoever is supposed to read this will be helped by this. If I can be of any help to someone, you may just need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me at melindab399@gmail.com.

Pumpkin Patch

Eric and I took Brody to a pumpkin patch this weekend. They have a hay ride out to the pumpkins, and along the way they stop to feed some of their animals. I am so thankful God has blessed us with this little boy. It is so wonderful to be able to experience all these new things with him.

The Sounds In My House

I am lovin' the sounds in my house. Today I was listening to Brody fuss because he wasn't getting his way with his daddy. Then later he was fussing while his daddy gave him a bath. Even the sounds of him fussing can be sweet. I am just so thankful to have the sounds of a child in my house. We have waiting so long for this. I love the sound of his laugh the most. His laugh has changed recently to a laugh that just sounds like it is coming all the way from his gut. I love the sound of his bare feet running across the floor. I love his jabber. He has one jabber that he does a lot, daba daba daaaa. It sounds so sweet when he whispers it. He has really started talking more. Every day he is saying new words. Even if he doesn't speak the words, he is doing better about knowing the difference in shaking his head yes or no. It had mainly been that he would always shake it no. He is good about letting me know when he has messed up his diaper. I can ask him did he T T, and he will shake his head yes. I will ask if he is ready to have his diaper changed, and he will shake his head yes. Yesterday he even patted his belly to get me to come on to change his diaper. He is a big helper feeding the dogs. He does not like for their food bowl to be empty. He will bring me their bowl and once I fill it he will put it back for them. Molly is loving that. He wants to be such a helper. I hope that will last when he gets bigger, but I doubt it will. If he spills something, I can give him a rag, and he will wipe it up. When I ask him to, he will help me put his toys in his toy box.
This Tuesday we will have had him with us for 4 months. I think back to 4 months ago, and I had no idea how my life was about to change. I was still grieving the loss of an adoption that didn't go through in April, not knowing God was about to bless us with Brody. He has been the perfect addition to our family.

Still Hard to Believe

Even after almost 4 months, it is still hard for me to believe I am a mama. I still just look at him and find it hard to believe that all those years of pain and longing for a child are finally over. He is absolutely wonderful! I am constantly amazed at the things he will do. He is such a smart little thing. He has come such a long way with us. All those insecurities I felt for the first several weeks are finally gone. It took a while, but he has now bonded to me and it just makes my heart melt when he calls me mama. We are so lucky to have been blessed with such a wonderful child.

2 Months

It is hard to believe it has already been two months since Brody came to be part of our family. Today I was outside playing ball with him, and I looked at him and still find it hard he is my son running around playing in the yard. I am so glad we are finally parents. It has been a long hard journey to get to this point. When I sat down to type, he crawled up in my lap. He has now fallen asleep, curled up against me. These are the most precious moments to me. I posted a while back about my arms being empty, well it feels so good at this very moment to have my arms full.

Updates on Brody

I am so far behind on blogging, I really don't know where to start. It is still hard for me to believe I am finally a mama. I just look at him sometimes and have to remind myself that he is, and will forever be my son. I remember thinking that I can't wait to be on the other side of the pain of no children. It is so surreal to have that need filled. I still long to experience all the stuff involved with a baby, but hopefully I will get to experience that one day.
Brody is into everything. He especially likes putting things in the toilet and the dogs water bowl. This morning I found my book, my shorts, and my shirt in the toilet. He has even thrown his binky in the toilet. UGH!!!!
He had another ear infection a few weeks ago, and we have finally gotten him tubes in his ears. I found out he has had 9 ear infections since November. The first few weeks we had him, his chest was so congested. We said he sounded like a cat purring. Thankfully all that has been cleared up. He immediately started walking better after the tubes. He hasn't really started talking any more than he was, but he is making more sounds with his jabbering. He has even picked up a new sound from daddy. You know how guys do that thing of clearing out the junk in their throat? Well, Brody heard Eric do that one day when he was getting his shower, and he has started making that sound. I can't help but laugh, cause it is so cute when he does it. Eric, not so much, it is just gross when he does it.
Last Friday we left for our vacation. We had to go to his follow up appointment for his tubes, then we went to Middendorf's in Manchac, LA. Anyone in the area knows how good this place is. We then cut across to the MS gulf coast. He loved the beach there. It was his first time to see the gulf. The water isn't pretty there, but he liked it just fine. I will try to post video later. The next day we went on over to Orange Beach, AL. When we took him down to the water there, he didn't like it as much because the waves were much bigger. The water there is so pretty. He did get used to it, and had a great time playing in the sand.
Brody is still clinging to men when they are around, especially the grandfathers. He is fine with me when it is just the three of us, but when the grandfathers are there, he doesn't want anything to do with me. We spent our vacation with Eric's family. Both his parents, his aunt Pat from Ohio, his brother Mike, his two boys, and Mike's fiance' Tracy. Brody wanted to cling to grandpa the whole time. On one hand, it was kind of nice to get a little bit of a break since I have had him with me the whole time since we got him. However, it really hurt my feelings that he didn't want to have anything to do with me. I know this is probably part of the stage he is in right now, but it really makes it more difficult to still be trying to bond with him, and he doesn't want me at all.
Despite the hurdles we have to get through, and the mischief he is getting into, I couldn't be more thankful for my son. He has brought such joy to my life. I am quickly finding out how difficult parenting can be, but no matter how difficult it may be at times, I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is such a sweet natured little boy. It is so cute when I call the dogs to go outside, I will pat my leg to encourage them to come on, and Brody will pat his little belly. I can say no-no Hannah or no-no Molly, and he will grunt a no-no and point his little finger at them. Right now while I am typing, he is just as content as he can be sitting and playing in their dog pen. I have to laugh when I am trying to get him down at night, and I will think he is finally starting to go to sleep, he will pop his little head up and get right in my face and say "HEY!" He still isn't giving sugar. The closes I can get is to put his binky in my mouth backwards, and he will come up to me to take it out of my mouth with his mouth. I just love seeing that little face coming up to mine with his little mouth wide open. I can't wait for the day he will actually give sugar.
Here are a couple of pictures from our trip to the beach...

My First Week as a Mom

OK, so I know I'm a little late in posting my first week as a mom, but hey, I am a new mom to a little man on the move. That is also why it is after 3 a. m. and I am writing this post. I have already found you have to do things whenever you can steal a moment.
As I mentioned before, things happened really fast once we got the call about Brody. They called at around 4:30 in the afternoon, and they had him at our house at around 7:30 that night. It also took about an hour for me to ever get in touch with Eric to tell him the news. I was about a nervous wreck by the time he finally called me back. He said his phone was literally hot because I had been calling so much. My first thought, other than trying to get in touch with Eric, was I have got to get home to straighten up. I was running around like a mad person. That was probably the best work out I've had in a while. I don't know that I have ever cleaned that fast. I'm really embarrassed to admit it, but for the first 24 hours I freaked out. That is NOT the reaction I expected to have when we finally became parents. I had always thought I wanted what they call a "drop in the lap" situation. You get the call and boom, here's your child. I'm a planner. A planer's mind just doesn't work that way, no matter how much you may think you can handle it. I had so many emotions going on that my mind was on overload. Since things fell through with the baby in April, my relationship with God has been strained, to say the least. I have had a lot of bitterness, and in this moment of getting the call about Brody, I really needed to be praying about it, but just struggled with that after the way I had acted toward God. I felt I had slapped him in the face and it was too hard to turn to him after the way I acted. I know God doesn't work that way, he forgives, but I was just finding it hard to ask for forgiveness. I was also struggling with the fact that my child was not coming in the way I had always dreamed about. I had my heart set on getting a newborn, and I was a bit disappointed to not be able experience a baby.
Brody is immediately drawn to men. It really was heartbreaking for me that he wouldn't come to me at first. In fact, I was only able to hold him once that first night. That Saturday morning I had to tell Eric to leave the room so that Brody would have to let me help him. We played a few minutes, and he has been fine with me since then. All three of us played and learned about each other that morning. We quickly learned that Brody loves hats, and loves to take a man's hat off his head and pass it back and forth. By lunch time I was freaking out about what to feed him. Eric and I have been dieting, so I really didn't have much to choose from to feed him. That afternoon my friend Susan went shopping with me to get stuff for Brody. I learned very quickly about taking a toddler shopping hungry and without a nap. I just so wasn't able to think clearly or I would have at least gotten him some chicken nuggets or something at the McDonald's in Wal-Mart. At one point Susan even commented that I looked stressed. I was on mental overload. I had just gotten this child that is already on the move, I was trying to make sure we got everything we need, he was fussy, and it was all getting to me. If it weren't for Susan, I don't know how I would have made it through that shopping trip. She was able to think of getting things I just wouldn't have thought of.
On Sunday I was finally starting to calm down and start enjoying the moment. We took Brody to meet his great-grandmothers, my mom and dad, and aunts, uncles, and cousins. We had a good trip, and he was able to nap going down there and coming back home.
That Monday morning we tried to surprise some friends by just showing up with him, but when I called to see about coming over to "bring them something", they got suspicious and saw where some people had congratulated us on facebook. I finally made the announcement on facebook that day, and I really enjoyed getting all the comments and messages from everyone.
Each day we have seen Brody open up to us more and more. At first the only thing he would say is Uh-oh. We were shocked when we were outside and he saw someone and waved and said hey.
On Friday Eric's mom brought over a high chair. Oh my, that thing is awesome. I can now clean the kitchen without having Brody right under my feet or worrying about what he may be getting into. That morning Eric's brother also brought over Cody and Gavin to meet Brody. Cody and Brody made fast friends, but I think Gavin may not bee too sure about someone stepping in on his territory.
Before all this happened, and we were anticipating getting a child, I was so naive to think it would all be perfect. I never would have imagined my first reaction would be to freak out. It was too much for me to take in at one time. All this new responsibility, making sure I have the things he needs, learning how to use all these new gadgets (carseat, stroller, breathing machine, etc.) The first week we just were here adjusting to each other. This week I am trying to get him on some sort of schedule. We have had our moments, like bath time, changing diapers, and going down to sleep, but he has brought so much joy into our lives. He has such a silliness about him and a giggle that will melt your heart. He has jabbered a few words here and there, and we have been able to get him to say mama and dada. Just in the last day or so, he will say mama when he needs something. I just thrills me so to hear him say that and actually mean it. I had really begun to doubt that I would ever hear a child call me that.

This is what everyone wants....pictures

It Finally Happened....I'm a MAMA!!!

As of Friday night, May 27th, Eric and I became parents to this beautiful little boy. I got the call at 4:27, and they brought him to us at around 7:30. His name is Brody and he is 1 1/2 years old. We are so in love with this little guy. Words cannot express how thankful we are to be his parents.
When they called to tell me about him, they told me to talk it over with Eric and let them know, and if we wanted him, he would be ours that night. Of course, I couldn't get Eric on the phone. It took a whole hour before he ever called me back. I had finally called and asked his brother to go out to where Eric was to tell him to call home. Thankfully Eric called just after Mike had left. I told him he needed to get home because he is going to be a daddy tonight. Needless to say he dropped everything and got home.
We were able to get Eric's parents really good. I called and asked them to come over because Eric needed his dad's help fixing our hot water heater that was leaking. OK, so I told a lie, but it was for a good reason. The look on their faces was priceless. They walked into the living room to see Eric holding Brody. All his mom could say is, "Is this for real?".
Each day he is opening up to us more and more, and we are able to see more of his personality. His laugh just melts my heart. I took him for a walk in his stroller tonight so that daddy could leave to go to work, and he just hummed and jabbered while we were walking. It was the sweetest sounds I've ever heard.
I took him to my work today to show him off. People would ask who he was, and it felt so weird to say he is my son. The first few days it really felt like I was babysitting, but each day it becomes more real that he is my son, and I will get to be his mama for the rest of his life.

More ups and downs

The last month or so has been an emotional roller coaster, and I am ready to get off of this ride. On March 21st we finally had our money together to make our final payment to Lifetime. I ordered or 50 copies of our profile, and we were on our way. I had called Connie that day to tell her how things were going. (she is with The Village of Hope, the other agency we have been with) We played phone tag, and when I finally was able to talk to her, I just went into the whole spill of what was going on with me. I was so excited to officially begin this journey with Lifetime. Once I had rambled on, she finally asked me if she could tell me what she needed to talk to me about. She told me she had a birth mother who had seen our profile and she had chosen us to adopt her baby boy, who was due at anytime. She told me that when I had called her the first time, the birth mother was right in the middle of looking at our profile. She told the birth mother who was on the phone, and she said that was weird, and Connie said no, that is God because we don't talk on a regular basis. Needless to say I was ecstatic, but I also had reservations since we were at the point of going active with Lifetime. Of course the excitement of getting a baby so soon won out, and all my reservations disappeared. A meeting was set for us to meet the birth mother, and it just happened to be that Sunday, March 27th at 2:00; which just happened to be our 12th anniversary at the exact time we were married. She was very nervous, but we had a very good meeting. We were very comfortable with her and knew we would be able to have a good relationship with her. After what happened before, we decided not to tell everyone, but we would tell a few people close to us. Since it was happening so fast, I called my close circle of friends together that night. I have such great friends that were so willing to drop everything within a moments notice to get together. Once I told them, we were all so happy and excited. I remember thinking, so this is what it feels like to really be happy. Oh but how quickly things can change with adoption. While we were celebrating Connie calls to tell me that she had received a call from the guy that is supposedly the birth father. He told her that he would not go along with the adoption because he does not believe in adoption. Really??? How can you not believe in adoption? Man, talk about going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I was devastated. Thankfully I was still with my friends, otherwise I would have been home alone. Once Connie told the birth mother what was going on, she told Connie he may not be the father because she had been with someone else as well. She said she had been too embarrassed to say that from the start. With there being hope that the first guy wasn't the father, we moved ahead with faith that it was still going to work out. She had her Dr. appointment that week, and they scheduled her C-section for April 7th. We continued to make plans to bring the baby home from the hospital. I had gotten pretty much everything we would need, now all we needed was that baby. On the Monday before he was born, Connie called and told me she had talked to the guy and that he had agreed to do a DNA test. She said that since he is probably going to be the father, she wouldn't recommend us taking the baby home. The decision was ours to make, because the birth mother still wanted us to take the baby. Ultimately we decided not to because we just couldn't handle having to give him back. We did go to the hospital when he was born. We saw the birth mother before she had him, and we were able to meet her mom. The only time we saw him was when her mom was bringing him in the room to be cleaned and checked. We stayed until she came back in the room and just went in to tell her bye. Eric and I were both glad we were there when he was born. That following weekend was HORRIBLE!!!! Just knowing we would have been bringing him home. I had Eric pack up all the baby stuff and put it in the attic. Just seeing all that stuff packed up before he took it up tore my heart out. To say we were miserable is an understatement. Our whole world was turned upside down...again. Someone close to us just looked at this whole thing as nothing more than a business deal gone bad. That is NOT what this is. It is much deeper than that. They told me I just need to get over it and move on with Lifetime. OH MY!!! How can you see the pain we are in and say that??? I can't just jump right into something else when I haven't had time to grieve the loss of this baby. I finally told her that she wouldn't be telling me to just get over it if I had had a miscarriage, and this is the same thing, I lost a baby! My body may not have gone through the physical loss, but I certainly was feeling the emotional loss.
Now...to jump forward almost 5 weeks, the last I heard the guy still hasn't done the DNA test. The birth mother had no choice but to keep the baby, so she has bonded with hm now. If the guy never has the DNA test, or if he does and he isn't the father, she probably won't be able to give him up now that she has had him this long. I know the odds are stacked against us, but I can't help but have a voice in the back of my mind telling me maybe it will work out. I will be so glad to officially know one way or the other.

Timing

Yesterday someone was in my office while I was tying the ribbon on our adoption profile to be sent to Lifetime for approval. She looked through it and said she had no idea there was so much to adoption. She said she thought you just tell them you want a baby and you get on a list and you get one when its your turn. If only it were that simple. These past few months have been VERY stressful. I remeber talking with someone at Lifetime the first part of December and asking them if we would be ready to be shown to birthmothers within a month. She said it will just depend us. She said it takes couples anywhere from a month to 6 months. I thought no problem, we'll be ready by January 1. Ha! Ha! Ha! We had our first meeting for the home study on December 13th or 14th (I can't remember the exact day). She met with us for 4 hours and we only scratched the surface that night. She then faxed us 20 pages to be filled out by each of us. We filled it all out and faxed it back to her. Because of the holidays and family health issues, she wasn't able to meet with us again to complete the home study until January 30. That afternoon she gave us the information needed to get our background checks done. We already had our physicals set up for the next morning, so we thought we would go ahead and get the background checks done. Little did we know it would turn out to be an all day event. We had to go to our police station for one background check. We were told to go to the DMV to do our fingerprints. Once we got there and waited a pretty good while, only to find out they don't do it, and we were directed to another place. When we got there, we find out that is where we will bring our fingerprints, but they don't do them there. So we had to go to the police station in that town to be fingerprinted. Once we did that we had to get money orders to pay the fees. By this time we stopped for lunch and I called Angie (the lady who did the home study) to find out the address she needed this background check sent to. She just happened to be bringing her son to the library accross the street from where we were. Amen for God's perfect timing. We were able to meet her and sign a release form for 3 of the background checks she was going to have done for us. There are 5 different background checks that are done. All are complete except for the Federal background check. That one takes around 6 weeks, so we should get it back any day.
The profile had to be created. I am not the best with computers, so I had no idea where to start. After a lot of searching we finally found a scrapbooking software to use. It took a little while to get the hang of it, but it wasn't too bad, just very time consuming. One of the hardest things was getting pictures. To say Eric hates taking pictures is a huge understatement. I think he would rather take a beating. My friend Susan took pictures for us in mid December, back when I thought we would be able to get this done quickly. I think it was one of the coldest days we had this year. We nearly froze, and you could see it written all over Eric's face in over half the pictures. He looked like his teeth were chattering. If he had been in a deer stand, you wouldn't have heard one complaint from him. With his schedule, and knowing the fight I would have on my hands each time I suggested we take pictures, it took a while for us to get all the pictures we needed.
Another thing we've had to deal with is refinancing our house to get the money to pay for the adoption. We applied on November 22 to refinance our first mortgage to lower the payment, and then we would do a home equity loan. When we applied, the loan officer told us we should close in around 30 days. Well great, that would keep us on my "schedule" of January 1. We had one thing after another come up to delay the process, and it was February 14th when we finally closed on the first mortgage. We met with another loan officer that day to get started on the home equity, and in my mind I was thinking maybe a week or so. WRONG....it was a month. OK, now for the good part. Monday, while I was preparing the profile to be sent in for approval, I get the call from the bank saying our home equity is ready to be closed. All this time of trying to get everything done, and isn't it amazing how it all comes together at the same time. Again I say amen to God's timing. We will close on the home equity tomorrow. They will hopefully get the profile tomorrow, and I hope to hear from them whether I need to make changes or not. Next week we should be ready to be presented to birthmothers. I am so excited and scared to death all at the same time.

Progress

We are finally starting to see some progress with the preliminary stuff for the adoption. We have so much going on, I have felt like I am drowning.
In order to pay for the adoption, we are refinancing our house. We submitted the paperwork on November 22, and now over two months later, we still haven't closed. It has been one thing after another, but we should finally be closing within a few days. We have also been shopping around for homeowners insurance since we have realized we have been paying way to much for the last 7 years. We finally narrowed it down and made a decision on that today.
We have now done the home study, and she wasn't kidding when she said she would know everything about us except our underwear size. However, with all the information she has on us, she should be able to figure that out. Before she got here Eric asked me if she would want to know our weight. I laughed cause I thought surely not. Well guess what, she did.
The profile is another project we've been working on. We have been taking pictures, which Eric hates doing. We are supposed to have "action" pictures, and it makes him mad we are just posing like we are doing stuff we really aren't doing. Well, it is dead of winter, and we just aren't getting out there going fishing, but we posed like we were to take pictures. We have submitted our "Dear Birth Parent" letter, and it has been approved. This letter will be broken up into sections throughout our profile telling about us and how we plan to raise a child. We have ordered scrapbook software, and once that comes in, I hope it won't take long to put it all together.
All of these things were started back in November and December, but just in the last week it is all finally coming together. Timing is everything, and I believe God has a reason for all these things dragging along and now all of a sudden we are making progress. I know a lot of you have been praying for us and the child we will adopt. Please continue to pray as God leads us to the birth mother who will give us the ultimate gift anyone could give us, a family.

Emotions

These last few months have certainly been an emotional roller coaster. The holidays without children are very depressing. One of the first things you think to associate with Christmas is family. I so want to be able to take my child to see Santa, make Christmas cookies with them, read them Christmas stories, and especially see their little faces on Christmas morning. This year was especially difficult after the failed adoption last year. It is hard knowing this year could have been different. His first birthday was December 16th, so that day, and the days leading up to it, were pretty difficult. I so wanted to be able to share that, and many other events, with him. The one thing that has given me hope, and helped me through this holiday season, is getting started with this new agency. We have so much to do to get ready to be presented to birth mothers. Things pretty much got put on hold with the holidays, but I am really getting geared up to get this process going. These next few weeks are going to be very busy. I am so excited to see what this year may bring. I am so praying that 2011 will be "the" year. I pray that this Christmas will be filled with all the joy that we have been missing for so many years.