Pity party

Tonight I have had myself a pity party. Things at work haven't been too good lately (we will just leave it at that), Eric and I have been arguing today, the jewelry sales haven't been what I had hoped they would be, so tonight I started gathering some of the beads I haven't made up and I am going to return them. I can't stand seeing a negative balance, and the sales that I have made haven't come close to paying for what I have purchased. I started making jewelry to help pay for the adoption, and seeing the business in the red is driving me crazy. While packing up the beads I started feeling sorry for myself. I started feeling like such a failure, and feeling like I was worthless. When I need someone to turn to I usually call my mama. She is so much more to me than just my mother. I guess being an only child brought us closer together since I didn't have any siblings to bond with. She is more like a sister to me than a mother. I had been on the phone with her for about 20 minutes and I came and sat down in front of the computer. I pulled up the email, and this is the email she had sent just minutes before I even called her:

Psalm 139:14 (NKJ) New King James
I will praise YOU for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Is it sometimes hard to feel good about yourself? Are you your own worst critic? With human criticism, are you constantly trying to transform yourself into a person who meets society's expectations but not GOD's expectations?
Have you ever wondered how GOD views your life? Do you worry that HE sees your flaws and mistakes and loves you less? Amazingly GOD knows you perfectly and loves you completely just the way you are. You are HIS masterpiece, HIS workmanship of grace and love. Do You have a hard time accepting that.
GOD determines your worth, you were created by GOD. It was GOD who gave your life value. It is GOD who gives you worth, and with out GOD, life has no value. Don't let others dictate your worth.See yourself as valuable because GOD does.

When you feel worthless and down yourself remember GOD made you and GOD doesn't make JUNK. So go look in the mirror and say...WOW I'm a child of the KING. THANK YOU JESUS.

I just had to share one more example of how God is working in my life. We may not be able to hear God with our ears, but if we listen, and lately with me it has been through blogs and emails, we will hear him and know he is speaking to us.

P.S. I am not giving up on the jewelry business. I think I may have gotten a little carried away with buying beads, and I have just decided to cut back my inventory of beads until I can make enough to get the business in the black. I sure do dread taking all of it back to the store. I am going to be one of those customers they hate to see coming.

Waiting

I have read two blogs today that were talking about waiting. The following poem was in one of the blogs:

Days of Heaven upon Earth
Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!Till next steps made plain shall be;To hear, with the inner hearing,The Voice that will call for me.
Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!With hope that need not grow dim;The Master is pledged to guide me,And my eyes are unto Him.
Waiting! Expectantly waiting!Perhaps it may be today The Master will quickly open The gate to my future way.
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!I know, though I've waited long,That, while He withholds His purpose,His waiting cannot be wrong.
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!The Master will not be late:He knoweth that I am waiting For Him to unlatch the gate.--J. D. Smith

The verse that touched me the most in this poem is:
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!I know, though I've waited long,That, while He withholds His purpose,His waiting cannot be wrong.

Just knowing God has a reason for us to have to wait, does seem to make the waiting just a little bit easier. I recently read on another blog "God never wastes a hurt". My prayer is that through all of the pain and suffering we have been through, we will be able to touch someones life.

The second blog was Barbie's blog. You can click on the link to read her blog today. http://barbiebassett.blogspot.com/2008/11/when-you-cant-wait.html

It still amazes me how God is using blogs to speak to me. The waiting is getting harder and harder each day we get closer to the holidays. I am so ready to hold my baby I just can't hardly stand it. God has a wonderful plan to bring us together with the child he has made for us. Now all we have to do is......wait.

Clinton Holiday Market

Last Saturday was the Clinton Holiday Market. My friend Susan and I had booths set up there. It was SO cold. I think if I had been selling hot chocolate that day, I would have made a fortune. We had a good time though. We even drug our husbands along. They were at least good for entertainment. My friend Susan sells dog clothes, coats, and collars. If you need something to keep your "best friend" warm this winter, she can hook you up. Just post a comment or send me an email, and I will have her get in contact with you.
Here are a couple of pictures from the day.....

Who knows what these two are looking at...
At this point we were tired, cold, and HUNGRY...

Fighting doubt

Boy the devil has been at working on me this week. We had such a blessing over the weekend, but the devil can't stand for us to be happy and filled with the holy spirit. He has been putting doubt in my head these last few days. Saturday night when everyone else was being prayed for, I was praying so hard for them to do the same for me and Eric. I know we all lost track of time that night, but I would say that it was at least 45 minutes to an hour before Eric and I were called up to be prayed for. I know in my heart that God laid it on Rosie's heart to have us prayed for, but the devil is trying to make me believe it was just coincidence, that it wasn't God. I heard from Connie with the adoption ministry yesterday, and she said that so far everyone has changed their mind about adoption or they want help but don't want to consider adoption. They are keeping their babies because it means more money for them from the government. That just infuriates me. They are not keeping the babies to love them, nurture them, and watch them grow. They are keeping them for the money. What kind of life is that child going to have when all they mean to their mother is a pay check? You see, things like that just bring me doubt. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. My heart is telling me to trust God and he is going to provide us with a family, my head (the devil) is telling me it isn't ever going to happen. I was so fired up Saturday night and Sunday, but the devil wants to bring me down. I am fighting so hard to not let him do that. I need to stay strong in my belief that God is in control and he is going to bring us our baby. The closer it gets to the holidays, the harder it is for me to be patient. Everyone knows what a joy children bring to the holidays. Well for anyone dealing with infertility, it just reminds you of the void in your life each time the holidays roll around. The holidays have been one of the hardest times of the year for me. It was Christmas time last year when we decided we were ready to adopt. I have wanted and prayed for us to have our baby by the holidays this year, but with each passing day, the closer the holidays get, I start to have more and more doubt. Everyone says it will happen in God's time. I do believe that, but when you are hungry and feeling like you are going to starve to death, does it make your hunger any less if someone tells you you can't eat yet because it isn't time to eat, but we will give you something when the time is right??? I know in my heart God is going to provide, he was showing me that on Saturday night, so why am I feeling this way now? The devil. When we get on fire for God, the devil will do whatever he can to put our fire out.
God has put the word hope in front of me several times this week. The agency we are using is The Village of Hope. Someone gave me a copy of an article in November's Homelife which is about adoption. They mention Steven Curtis Chapman's organization called Shaohanna's Hope. I receive daily emailed verses from KLOVE, and this week they are about hope. God is trying to tell my that my hope is with Him. I have to trust Him. These are the verses I have received this week:
And so, Lord, where do I put my Hope? My only hope is in you. Psalm 39:7
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise. Hebrews 10:23
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Revival

We are having our revival at church this weekend. Bro. Tony Byrd is AWESOME!!! During the invitation I went to the alter to pray for our adoption. While I was up there, Bro. Tony's wife came up there and asked if she could pray for me. She asked if I had a special need and I told her we are trying to adopt. After she prayed for us she told our pastor she had something she needed to say. She said that God had laid it on her heart that someone there was struggling because they couldn't have a baby. She said that it took 7 years for them to have their first child. It was seven years after that that they had their second, and 21 months later they had their third. Now do your math and 21 divided by 3 is..... 7. Isn't that amazing. She went on to say that their oldest son had at one time strayed away from God. But I've got to tell y'all, I have NEVER seen a young person so on fire for God. It was amazing to see God working. Our preacher started talking about his son and how he wants him to be saved. They laid hands on Bro. Jack and his wife Rosie. Then they laid hands on Vic and Janice praying for Mikal. Then they prayed for Rosie's nephew. Now I know I'm going to sound SO selfish when I say this, but I was so disappointed that they didn't lay hands on me and Eric. I sat there praying for someone to request they pray for us. Now let me back up here for a minute. This is the first church I have been in that when someone has a need, they will call them upfront to lay hands on them and pray for them. Before Eric and I decided to adopt, and I was still hoping for us to have our own child, I had really wanted God to lay it on the preacher's heart to call us up and pray for us, but it never happened. After we decided to adopt, I had wanted them to pray for us. God wasn't ready for that to happen, well tonight it finally happened. I just new it was about to be over and we had not been prayed for. Rosie stood up and said that she wanted them to pray for me and Eric. I can't tell y'all what that meant to me. God answered my prayer. After waiting so long for a baby, I have had my doubts that it will ever happen. Well tonight I can say that without a doubt I know we are going to have a baby. I have prayed for our adoption to be a testament to God. I want people to be able to see that without a shadow of a doubt, it was God, and I want the glory to go to Him. For those of you who have had God speak to you, isn't it awesome???? Our church started at 6:30 tonight, and we didn't get out until 10:00. God is at work, but the devil is working too. Bro Tony said that before he started preaching his throat was hurting so bad, but once he got started preaching, the pain went away. He knew something amazing was going to happen. You could just feel the presence of God. Now as I am typing this, the devil does not want me to do tell of the events of tonight. Eric and I are tired and arguing. He keeps making noises and asking questions, and I keep asking him to hush. I am having problems concentrating, but I am typing anyway. So if any of this doesn't make sense, we'll blame it on the devil. I just can't express in words what I am feeling tonight. I feel like I have had a heavy, heavy burden lifted. I have doubted whether or not I will ever be a mom. Well tonight God has let me know that one day someone is going to call me mama.