Another Christmas Without a Baby

This is a post I REALLY didn't want to do, but as I've mentioned before, subjects or titles will come to me, and they will just feel right. I feel it is God letting me know what He wants me to blog. I am using this blog to document our whole adoption process, and if I am going to be honest, it would not be right for me to leave out the feelings we are dealing with right now. The closer it gets to Christmas, the worse it is getting. Christmas is like a deadline, we thought we were going to have our baby by Christmas. This was supposed to be THE Christmas, the one we finally get to celebrate with a baby. Before the birth mother left, everything seemed to be going perfect. If I had written out how I wanted our "adoption story" to be, I couldn't have written it out any more perfect than how it was going. We were seeing God in so many different aspect of the process. I mentioned before about how I had just added pictures to our profile, and those were the ones that made her pick us. Connie told me how we were to be the third couple shown to the birth mother, but God eliminated the other two couples which made us the first ones shown. She looked at ours and never made it to the other two profiles Connie had available to show her. I just briefly mentioned in a previous post that God even let us know what He wanted him named. We already had a name picked out, but when we found out we were getting him, I started looking through boy names just to make sure. There was one particular name I just kept feeling drawn to because of the meaning. The day we met the birth mother, that is the name she was calling him....Matthew, which means A Gift From God. When we left our meeting with her, we went to see Eric's mom at her work. She had said that they found a perfectly good booster car seat out in the parking lot. She gave it to us to hang onto for later. Eric was holding it and noticed something written on the side of it...Matthew. Matthew is not the name I would have picked, but I just felt God was letting us know He wanted him named Matthew. So, like I said, everything seemed perfect and then she just all of a sudden left. With all the things that had happened, I just couldn't let myself believe this was really over. She did keep in contact with Connie while she was at her mother's, but once she left there, she stopped returning Connie's calls and text. Eric and I are just really struggling with this right now, because our "deadline" is almost here. In a way we just feel like if it hasn't happened by Christmas, it isn't going to happen. I know Christmas isn't a real deadline, and something could change at any moment, but for us emotionally, this is our deadline. I tried to talk Eric into just going away for Christmas, and getting a cabin in the mountains, but he wanted to stay here. I think now he is regretting staying. Eric had been real snippy with me this weekend, and we finally just had a huge blow up yesterday morning. Our tempers flared and we said things we really didn't mean. Eric is the type of person who tries to hide his emotions. He had just finally reached a breaking point, and all heck broke loose. Once we were able to finally calm down, and apologize, things did seem to be a little better. Back when we thought we were getting Matthew, someone told me at least I wouldn't have a long wait. I said but I have been waiting 9 years. They said but at least you don't have to wait 9 months to get your baby. I have to tell you, I would much rather have a 9 month wait and know that baby will be mine than to go through this. When adopting, the process can be very fast, you could even get a call that a baby is ready right then. But the shorter wait in finding out about a baby doesn't in any way make up for the years we have waited, and all the suffering we have gone through in that time.
The last several days I have not been able to sleep through the night. I've been up at 2 a.m., 4:30 a.m., and this morning it was 3:30 a.m. Just now I was thinking that if we had gotten Matthew, I would probably be up all during the night taking care of him, not sitting her typing this blog. Just knowing he is out there somewhere, and knowing there is no way he can really be taken care of the way any baby deserves is driving me crazy. She doesn't even have a home, she is on the run, so there is no telling what is happening with him. I just wish she would put her own feelings aside and put the needs of her baby first. I just don't understand these women who keep their babies when they don't have the means to truly care for them and provide a stable home for them. I am not saying I believe that giving your baby up for adoption would be an easy thing to do, but I do believe that when you are basically homeless, you need to think of your baby's needs first and let it have a chance to be part of a real family and have a real home.
I hope I'm not bringing everyone down with this post. That is why I really didn't want to do it, but I felt God wanted me to do it. Who knows, maybe it will in some way help someone who is dealing with the same type of situation. It has always helped be when reading someone else's blog to realize I am not the only one going through this, and I am not the only one who has felt the things I am feeling now. Adoption is a very hard process. I had no idea how hard it would be when we made the decision two years ago to try to adopt. You really need to be in a stable marriage to go through this process. When I saw Connie Wednesday to give her the stuff I collected for the other birth mother, she said that a lot of couples don't make it through failed adoptions. Yesterday I was beginning to think Eric and I were going to be part of that statistic. Thankfully we are better now. Mama told me last night that someone had told her that I seem to be so strong. God has protected me, because had this happened last year, I would not have made it through this. I would have fallen into such a deep depression, I don't know what would have happened. Since God has saved me now, I am handling this much better than I would have imagined, but the fact is it still hurts. I know God is helping me through this, even though lately I have not had as close of a relationship with him as I should. I do know God is in control of this whole situation. I know there is a reason for this happening, but right now that just doesn't take away the hurt. People say well I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Well, yes it was. This was meant to be part of God's plan for us. He knew this was going to happen the day we found out about this baby. We just have to make it through right now so we can see what God has "meant to be" for us later.

Thankful for my church family

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful church family. They really came through for the girl who is having her baby next week. Any time there is a need, my church family is always willing to help others. Anyone who comes to our church always comments on how friendly everyone is and how they felt so welcome there. When Eric and I were visiting other churches, we were rarely even spoken to. When we went to this church, we had people lining up to come speak to us. I knew from the first time we went there that that was where I wanted to be. We had passed by this church for two years, and had never even given thought to going there. I am so thankful God led us to that church and to the wonderful people there.

Why Me God???

I know a lot of you are anxious for an update, but I can assure you that you can’t be any more anxious than I am. I talked to Connie Monday and she has not been able to get in touch with the birth mother. Just from my own speculation, I figure she has probably had him and doesn’t want to talk to Connie now that she’s had him. I would really like to have closure and know for sure, but we may never know.
When I talked to Connie Monday I had asked her about the needs of the women at The Christmas Village. I had thought our ladies group at church could get Christmas presents for them. She said they have a lady now who has an urgent need. She is scheduled for a C-section on December 17 and she doesn’t have hardly anything for her baby. She is planning to raise her son. Her family isn’t having anything to do with her because she is keeping him. All she has for him is some Onesies and bottles. I have asked my church family to donate items for her and her baby. I have to say, this isn’t something I really wanted to do. I mean basically I am helping her to be able to keep her baby. I just wonder how she plans to provide for her baby, and why she wouldn’t let a family adopt the baby to provide a home for him. I hate it, but that is the selfish side of me thinking this. I would love nothing more than to bring that baby home, but for some reason I just feel really strongly about helping this lady. I feel God is really wanting to use me to help her. I’m not sure why he would pick me. I just want to detach myself from this type of situation, but I am going to do WHATEVER I feel He wants me to do.

Peace

Sometimes when I get ready to blog, a title or subject will come to me first, and then I’ll just go from there. I have had it on my heart the last week or so to blog about the peace God has given me through the trial we are going through. That is not to say I don’t have my moments of doubt or being depressed, but for the most part, I have just had a peace about this situation. God has made Himself known to me in so many ways throughout this process. When we first found out about this baby, two ladies from work brought me two candles. When they came in they said they brought one because it was blue, and the other one was baby powder scent. I never thought much about the name on the blue one until after the birth mother left and I was beginning to realize the sense of peace I was feeling. The name on that blue candle is PEACE. Just now I was trying to find verse to include in this post, and I was in the process of searching through the 15 pages of scriptures that mention peace on biblegateway.com. I called my mom to see if she had a recommendation and as soon as she was starting to say something, I interrupted her to read one that I had just seen. It was the same exact one she was about to tell me about. Philippians 4:7, but she said that I need to include verse 6 too.

Philippians 4:6-7 - Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.

The peace I am feeling is definitely more than my human mind can understand. I should be flipping out right now. Sometimes I feel like I am about to suffocate with the desire for a baby. I feel like I am just existing until I become a mother. So how is it that I am feeling peace right now....GOD!!!

Now for an update, the birth mother has left the state. She is in Indiana. Connie sent her a text earlier this week, and she did reply. It is such a good thing that she is still keeping in contact with Connie. We just really won’t know anything for sure until she has him and she makes her final decision. Please pray for safety for her and the baby. We are really hoping she will come back to MS before she has him. All we can do now is pray, and wait to see what happens.

I really appreciate all the emails and comments. It has helped me so much to receive encouragement from so many people, and some of you I don’t even know. It just goes to show how God is using blogs to bring people together to encourage each other.

No News is Good News

I want to start by thanking everyone for your prayers, your emails, and your comments. I can't tell you how it has made me feel to receive so much encouragement. This has been a rough week, but I'm OK. When they say adoption is a roller coaster ride, they weren't kidding. We were so excited and so confident, and in a matter of just two weeks, everything changed. I still have hope for this baby to be ours. This door is definitely not closed. I did talk to Connie today, but there isn't really much to tell. The mother is still where she said she was going to be. She has a new cell and she gave Connie her new number. She and Connie developed a relationship because Connie was the one who was with her the most. It is a very good thing that she is keeping the lines of communication open. When we met her, I gave her a bracelet that I made. Unfortunately the clasp broke, so I have gotten it back to fix it. Connie asked her if she wanted her to mail the bracelet to her, and she does. I look at that as a good sign since she still wants it. So, like I said, no new is good news. At least we still have a shot at this baby becoming part of our family. Please keep praying for the mother, the baby, Connie, and us. We all needs your prayers as we go through this.

A Bump in the Road

We have reached a bump in the road. Actually it is a HUGE bump, more like a wall, and we have to find a way to get over it or around it. Our birth mother had an "episode" Tuesday night, and she has left The Christmas Village. Right now we have no idea what is going to happen. She has gone to a relative's house which is several hours away. While she was here, she was getting medical care, and she won't have the kind of care she was receiving here. She was getting a progesterone shot every Wednesday to keep her from going into labor since she has already started dilating. Well she missed her shot yesterday, and from what I understand, once you get off the schedule, you can't go back and take it later. She is 30 weeks today, so it is just too soon for him to be born. She has been through a lot in the last several weeks, and I think it has just all caught up with her. I felt so secure with this situation that I was telling everyone and blogging about all the ways God was letting us know this is going to be our son. I just find it hard to believe that with all the miracles He has shown us so far, that this is over. I mean God has even let us know what He wants him named. There is so much more that has happened that I haven't even blogged yet. I have been trying to blog about each miracle in order to keep them all separate. I haven't given up hope yet, but I have to prepare myself just in case this doesn't work out for us. Connie, with The Village of Hope, has been in contact with her. She even spoke to her last night to make sure she arrived at her destination. One positive note is that she gave Connie her correct contact information, and she was where she said she was going to be. Connie is going to give her a day to rest, and then she will contact her to see how she is doing. Please be praying for all of us. The birth mother needs prayers that she seek God in her decisions. The baby needs prayers that he will not come until he is able to be born healthy. Connie needs your prayers while dealing with the birth mother and that God would give her the words to say to her. And we need your prayers for God to help us through this. There are several days ahead that are going to be really hard for me. Tomorrow I was supposed to be going with her to her Dr. appointment to see the sonogram. There had already been two showers planned for us. My work was giving a shower on November 10, and our church was giving us a shower on November 14. I was so looking forward to those events. I was finally experiencing things that I was beginning to think would never happen for me, and now, I just don't know what to think. I know God is in control, and if He intends for this baby to be ours, it will happen. It just hurts right now not knowing what is going to happen.

Cradle

A very special friend of ours bought a cradle for us last summer. She was going to an estate sale when she passed this elderly couple's home who had put a few things out for a garage sale. She said the cradle caught her eye so she stopped. She talked to the couple about the cradle, and the man had made it in hopes of one day having grandchildren. Since they haven't had any grandchildren he decided to go ahead and sell it. It is a beautiful wood cradle. My friend bought the cradle the morning of July 11th, and that night during revival I was saved. She said she was about to burst when I went up front. She told my mama that night what she had done, and it nearly killed her not to tell me.
Thank you Rita! We love you!

How God brought us to The Village of Hope

I have posted about this before, but I just want to remind everyone how God brought us to The Christmas Village and The Village of Hope. Last summer a friend of mine told me that his wife new of a woman who was going to give her baby up for adoption. He gave me his wife’s number and when I called , she was very encouraging and acted like she thought this would all work out. When you are so desperate for a baby, all you need is just a little bit of encouragement and you’re hooked. I just knew this was God answering our prayer, and this was going to be our baby. Little did I know that this was an answer to prayer, but just not in the way I wanted it to be. I talked to her a few more times and she was still being encouraging. Several weeks went by and I finally called her again. This time she was not being encouraging. She never came out and said it, but I could tell she knew something and this was not going to be our child. I had convinced myself this was going to be our child, so I was devastated this was not it. I got so depressed, and I was getting mad at God all over again. The next day I read Barbie Bassett’s blog, and it really opened my eyes. She was saying that when we take our eyes off of God, we are mince meat for Satan. Boy was he having a good time with me. I was reacting exactly how he wanted me to, and that was turning my back on God. Thankfully God stepped in and basically shook me. I normally wouldn’t have ever emailed Barbie, but I just wanted to let her know how her blog basically saved me from walking away from God. I told her a little bit about what we had been through, and when she replied to me, she let me know she is on the board for The Christmas Village. I had never even heard of them. She gave me the information on how to contact them, and we had our first meeting with them on September 11, 2008. At the time they were starting their adoption ministry, which is The Village of Hope. I can clearly look back now and see that had we not heard about that baby, and if I had not gotten so depressed, Barbie’s blog would not have meant what it did to me, and I wouldn’t be about to become the mama for this little boy. God uses situations that aren’t any fun to go through at the time to bring you to where He wants you to be.

Our first meeting with the birth mother

Yesterday Eric and I had our first meeting with the birth mother, mama R. It really was an awesome experience. Of course we were a little nervous at first, but she was really easy to talk to. She was telling us about what made her choose us. There were two items in our profile that really let her know we were the ones. Those two items were not in our profile when we turned it in Sept. of 08. We were asked a week ago Tuesday (Oct. 6) if we wanted our profile shown to this birth mother. We did, and she was supposed to see the profiles the next day, however she had to go to the hospital Tuesday night so they did not want to show her on Wednesday because they wanted her to be well rested and have a clear mind when she looked at profiles. They said they would show them to her on Friday. Well, on Friday she was not having a very good day, so they decided to wait until the next Wednesday (Oct 14). On Saturday I decided to ask Connie if I could get our profile back to add more pictures from this past year. When I called her, I just happened to catch her when she was about to leave to come to our area. It was perfect timing. That night Eric and I were watching a movie, and I just couldn't keep my mind on the movie. I kept thinking of writing a new letter to the birth mother for our profile. God took over and I believe I said exactly what He wanted me to say in that letter. I also added more pictures to the profile. The last picture was a picture of the baby's room. We bought our house from Eric's brother, and before Cody was born, Eric's dad painted Winnie the Pooh on the walls of the room. We had been using the room for storage so I never had a reason to take pictures of it. We put our house on the market back in the spring, so we put up a baby bed and put a rocking chair in there for potential buyers to see. If we had not put our house on the market, I would never have had a picture of that room to put in our profile. The two things that made her pick us was the second letter I wrote, and the picture of the baby's room. If the things had not happened last week to put off her seeing the profiles, we would not have had those items in our profile. God knew what we needed in there to make her feel connected to us. This is just one example of the miracle of God bringing us together with mama R.

I'M GONNA BE A MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep saying it over and over, I'm gonna be a mama, hoping it will sink in soon. A birth mother looked at our profile on Wednesday, and she picked us! From the very beginning, I have wanted to be able to see God's hand in putting us with the child we are to adopt. Well, my prayers are being answered in a BIG way. Connie, the lady with the agency, said she wished I would have told her that so she could have been prepared. There is no doubt that God has picked this child for us, and us for him. Oh, and by the way, this IS the sign from God not to go with that other agency. I found out about this on Tuesday morning, and I had planned to mail our application to that other agency Tuesday afternoon. Boy, talk about slapping me in the face with an answer. Wow! I will post more about how God is working in this later because I want to be able to tell our church family before I go into too much detail. The news right now is that we will be getting a baby BOY, and he will be born in December. That is the BEST Christmas present I'll ever receive. God knows my desire to be as involved as possible with this child, and the birth mother has already said she would like for me to go to the rest of her Dr. appointments, and guess what???????? I GET TO BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so overjoyed. I get to see our baby born. We will meet the birth mother this Saturday, so please be praying for us. I know this is going to be a very emotional time for all of us. I can't wait to see her belly and know that is my son in there. I will post more after we tell our church on Sunday.

A sign from God

God did give us a sign about the agency situation. We will not be signing up with the other agency. It was a definite answer to our prayers. We know without a doubt He wants us to stay put. Whenever I would think about changing agencies, I would always think, "Be still and know I am God".

More information to come....SOON!

Prayer Request

Please pray for Eric and I as we are making a decision about signing up with a different adoption agency. The agency we are with is great, but they are small and new. We have been with them for a year now. My grandmother mailed me a newspaper clipping this week about an adoption agency. We are now looking into that agency. I just want to be with whoever God wants us to be with. Please pray God will let us know what He wants us to do. I will update next week about what we will be doing.

Forgiveness

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

For the last couple of months God has put a real burden on me to forgive and ask for forgiveness. It has been amazing how opportunities have presented themselves. I’m not saying it has been easy. You never know how someone may react, but it is better to take that chance than to never have tried at all. It isn't worth it to let anger and hurt feelings get in the way of friendships and our walk with God. I'm reading a book about prayer, and here are a couple of quotes from that book:

"We simply cannot hold on to anger and harbor unforgiveness in our hearts if we want God to answer our prayers."

"No matter how major or how minor an issue seems, we have to let it go. We do not wait until we feel like forgiving; we forgive by making an intentional choice, a willful decision to let a matter drop. When we do, we make a way for our prayers to be answered."

"Unforgiveness is probably the biggest hindrance to prayer. We simply must treat others as God treats us and extend forgiveness to everyone who offends us."

Blessed by blogs

I have mentioned before how I have been blessed by blogs. There is a particular blog that I have kept up with for a while. It is written by a woman whose name happens to be Malinda too, and she has adopted a precious little girl. I have emailed with her, and she has been so encouraging. There have been times when I have thought "its never going to happen for us", then I would think of Malinda and her husband. They had to wait a long time too, and look what a precious gift they received. I always thought I would love to meet her some day. Well that someday happened Friday night. I was at the Beth Moore simulcast at Broadmoor Baptist Church in Madison, and there she was. At first I wondered if that was really her. She walked past me, and I said her name, but she must not have heard me. Then I saw her with someone I had seen on her blog so I knew it was her. It was all I could do to wait until the simulcast was over to speak to her. It was almost like meeting someone famous. I was so nervous walking up to her. When I approached her I said "Malinda?". You should have seen the look on her face. You talk about a deer in the head light look. I was afraid I had scared her to death. I explained to her that I read her blog and that we have emailed before. I was so amazed she knew who I was. It was nothing but a "God thing" that our paths crossed when they did. When I got home that night I decided to take one of the necklaces I made and give it to her for Sara Madalin, her little girl. Malinda posted on her blog today about our meeting, and she has a picture of Sara Madalin wearing the necklace. This was such a wonderful meeting, and it meant so much to me for her to blog about it. Please take a minute to check out her post for today.
http://agiftworththewait.blogspot.com/2009/08/lets-delight-ourselves-in-lord.html If you want an additional blessing, look up her adoption testimony and watch the video. Let me tell you now, you better go ahead and get a tissue. It is such a sweet video, and they were able to capture moments that most adoptive parents never get to see.

Keep on Praying

Last month during the revival, I prayed telling God I want to make him first in my life. My hope of getting a baby has been first for a long time. In my mind I was giving it to God. Then Bro. Tony tells me that when I was saved he had a vision me and Eric up in front of the church with a baby. Well, that just brought it all back to the top again. I have really been struggling with how to handle this. In my mind if I give it to God, I am not to pray about it anymore. He has it and he is taking care of it. I feel like if I have given something to him, and I continue to pray for it, I haven’t fully given it to him. This may not be how we are supposed to view giving something to God, but that is just how I feel. My mama is the person I always go to with spiritual questions. I finally asked her about this Monday night, and she didn’t know how to answer the question of whether or not we are to keep praying for something if we have given it to God. I told her there is a scripture that I wanted to find. All I could think was that it said “keep on praying”. Tuesday she and I both were searching for this scripture. We found several that were similar, but not the one I was thinking of. Last night when I sat down with my bible, I just opened it and started reading, I turned the page, and there it was….Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7 Then when I went to bed, the book I’m reading had a reference back to that same exact same scripture. An email was forwarded to me from someone who has a scripture at the bottom of her emails…Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
OK God, I hear you….KEEP ON PRAYING!!!!!!!!!!!

Part II

When I was blogging last night, I felt the need to get up in front of the church to tell them about how everything happened, about putting God first, not the desire to have a baby. Bro Tony got up and said that when he stood up last night during the invitation and was speaking to the congregation about whoever needed to come down, he said he looked at me and knew it was me. He said that when I finally came down and was with our pastor, he said in his mind he saw me and Eric up front holding our baby for the baby dedication. When I called my mama to tell her about this, she asked me why I thought he didn't tell me this last night. I believe there is a reason, it needed to be public. My church family needed to hear this. It would not have the same affect if I told them this is what he said, they needed to hear it for themselves. That is why I felt that desire to tell them about me changing my priorities. I told y'all that Sue said my face popped into her mind when she was praying, but she also said that earlier she had prayed that whatever is keeping us from having a baby, that it be taken away. My prayer has been that our having a child would bring glory to God. I want is to be seen without a doubt. Y'all need to stay tuned, cause I have a feeling this is about to get interesting....

Delight yourself in the Lord

I know some of you may think I have dropped off the face of the earth. It has been a while since I have had a post. To update you on my mom, she is doing good. She will not have to have treatments. What a blessing.
We are having our revival this weekend. Tonight during the invitation I went to the alter to pray. I was praying for God to make a change in my life. I told Him I want to make Him number 1 in my life. For so long, having a baby has been number 1 in my life. I told God that I wanted to make Him first, even if that meant not ever having children. I went back to my seat and the invitation went on. We had our closing prayer, and when the preacher went to the back of the church, a man told him he had something to say. He got up there and said he felt there was someone there who was lost and needed to get their life right with God. Bro. Tony spoke and said he was feeling the same thing, but the fact that that man came forward only confirmed his feelings. We sang a couple of verses of Just as I Am, and nobody came forward. They were about to close again, and one of our deacons came forward and said he really felt there was someone who needed to get right with God. He asked that we sing another verse. After two more verses, the person finally came forward, it was me! I had been standing back there fighting saying it isn't me, they aren't talking about me. I kept praying, God, if it is me, let me know. I can't explain it. I just felt like I was being pushed, and my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I have heard of others say they had been in church all of their lives, and they thought they were saved, but later in life they realized they weren't. Well, I am now one of those people. I thought I was saved, but the last several years, I have been putting wanting a child first in my life. After I prayed for God to be number one, even if it meant not having children, I was finally able to open my heart. After the service Sue came up to me to tell me that she was praying for whoever needed to come forward and my face popped into her mind. She said she just gasped when she looked up and I had come forward. The last two nights Bro. Tony has said, delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. I realized tonight that I had let the desires of my heart keep me from delighting myself in the Lord.

Update on my mom

My mom had her mastectomy today. They think they got it all and wasn't in the lymph nodes. They will know for sure after they do more test, but so far it looks good. It was amazing how many people came to show their support and be with us while she had her surgery. She will be getting out of the hospital tomorrow, and she will be coming here to stay with us for a few days. Thanks for all your prayers.

May 19th

Yesterday, May 19th would have been my grandfather’s 97th birthday. May 19th now has new significance; it is the day we found out my mama has breast cancer. This was a total shock. After her first biopsy they said it wasn’t cancer, but could become cancer. After they removed the mass last Friday they said they got it all. We thought that was going to be the end of it. She went in for her follow up yesterday, and received the news nobody wants to hear, cancer. Her options are a lumpectomy and radiation, or a mastectomy. She was in such shock yesterday, she couldn’t make a decision. Right now we don’t know what will be next. I will update when I know more. I’m sure this goes without saying, but please keep her in your prayers

Being Thankful

I did something last night I have NEVER done before, I spoke at our ladies ministry group. I wanted to speak on being thankful, but I wasn’t sure exactly which direction I needed to go in. I used the concordance in my bible to look up scripture about being thankful. The first verse was 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. I had thought of doing a group discussion , and the question I came up with relating to this verse was, “How can we be thankful during hard times”. The next verse I looked at was Colossians 3:15-17. I didn’t come up with a discussion question for this one. The next verse was Psalms 138:1 I give you thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing your praises before the gods. My discussion question for this verse was “when do you feel like you are giving thanks to God with all your heart”. I wasn’t sure where to go from there, so I went to a folder I have in my email that I save inspirational emails. I get daily verses from KLOVE, and if they mean something to me I will save them. The very first email I pull up is from KLOVE, and guess what verse it was???? 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Oh my gosh, I was shocked that this was the very first email I opened and it was the first verse I had written down. The next email I opened was an email that I received from a co-worker, and you’ll never believe the title of the email, “how to be thankful in tough times”. God just confirmed to me that this is what he wanted me to speak about. It is awesome when we get confirmation from Him. I was sharing how hard it is for me to be thankful now for not being able to have children. I should be thankful because this is God’s plan for my life. Once we get our baby it will be so much easier to be thankful, but I need to be thankful now. Several years ago I felt that God wasn’t going to give us our baby until we got right with Him. If we already had a baby, I wouldn’t be blogging , I wouldn’t have started our women’s group at church, I wouldn’t have spoken to that group last night, I wouldn’t be making jewelry and sharing with people about our journey and giving them my blog address to read our story. I have heard from people how they have been touched by my blog. So yes, I am thankful for not being able to have children and for this journey we are on. I’ll still have good days and bad days. I’ll still grieve the “loss” of my own child. But ultimately I have to remind myself that this if God’s plan for my life and He has his reasons for putting us on the path we are on. We may never understand why we have to go through the tough times God puts in our lives. As hard as it may be, we need to be thankful for those tough times, it is His plan for our lives. One day you may be able to look back and see his hand in a difficult situation and realize how blessed you were to have to go through what you went through. A project I had for the ladies was to write a thank you note to God for something difficult they are going through. I want them to be able to look back at that card once they have gotten though their difficult time. Sometimes we focus so much on the negative side of these situations, and we have to be reminded to look for the blessing. I am hoping the card will remind them to look for the blessing in their difficult time.

Our 10th Wedding Anniversary

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary. I look back, and in some ways it has been a L O N G 10 years, in other ways it has flown by. We have been through a lot these last 10 years, especially dealing with infertility. I look at our wedding pictures and think, these two people had no idea what they were in for. We have had a lot of struggles, but the most important thing is that we have made it through it together. I love my husband, and I look forward to the next 10 years with him.

Making a Sacrifice

This morning while I was getting ready for work I was listening to The Message on Sirius. It is a station that plays contemporary Christian music. A song came on that was talking about Jesus being a sacrifice. This isn't something new to me, but it got me thinking about making a sacrifice. Making a sacrifice is something I have never done before. I started thinking about what I could sacrifice. I decided to sacrifice TV. Instead of coming home and watching TV to unwind from my day like I normally do, I was going to read my bible instead. I know giving up TV for an hour or so in the afternoon to read the bible may not seem like a big deal, but I have not been faithful about reading my bible. I feel God is showing me that I can make time for Him, all I have to do is sacrifice a little of my time. When I got to work and pulled up my email, the daily scripture I received from KLOVE was:
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.
~ Philippians 2:13, NLT
I saw this as a God letting me know I didn't just think this up, He really wants me to do this. I spent about an hour this afternoon reading my bible instead of watching Reba or Friends like I normally do. Once I finished I got on the computer to check blogs. To my amazement, one of the blogs I check every day was talking about making a sacrifice. WOW!!!! Talk about an eye opener. The blog I read was //http://ourgrowingfamily02.blogspot.com/2009/02/ash-wednesday_25.html
It is so good when God shows you that what you were thinking wasn't just a random thought, it was from Him. He has really been working on me lately. I have done things I never would have thought I would do. If you would have told me a year ago that I would start a women's ministry group at my church, I would have said you were crazy. Well, we had our first meeting last Tuesday night. We named our group Sisters In Spirit, S.I.S. I certainly wouldn't have thought I would EVER be willing to lead some sort of lesson. Well, in April I plan to lead our lesson, and God has already been giving me things to do and say. (I know my mama just fell out of her chair when she read that) She has been praying for me for so long. It has been a long time coming, but I now have a much closer relationship with God. I have fought it for so long, but I am finally surrendering to Him.

Sneak peak

I am going to be listing some of my jewelry on etsy.com. It is a site for things that are handmade. My friend Susan has been helping me by making pictures of some of my jewelry. Here is a sneak peak at some of the pictures...

Thanks Susan for all of your help!!! You are such a great friend!!!

Strike 3

Last week we heard about another potential baby. It was one of those situations that a friend of a friend of a friend new someone who is giving their baby up. She had planned to just leave the baby at the hospital, but someone she knows is trying to help her find a family for her baby. An email was sent out requesting potential adoptive parent’s to call this person. I called and left my name and contact numbers. After waiting a couple of days and not hearing anything back, I called the number and the message said “If you are calling about an email that went out about a baby to adopt, the situation has been resolved”. As usual, I had gotten my hopes up. I tried really hard to not let it happen, but it did. I was upset, but I had so many people praying for us that it wasn’t as hard as it has been in the past when one didn’t work out.
I had sent the email home so that Eric could read it, and much to my surprise, he sent an email out to all of our church requesting prayer for us. I have to tell you, I was shocked when I received it. The following is the email Eric sent out:

Hey Everybody!!,
I really need your help!!
Melinda received this email today from From Tiffany( They have been communicating through their blogs). What I need from our church is LOVE.
Please Pray For this Situation. I need each of you to boldly approach his throne of grace in our behalf. If this is not the child we are to receive, please pray that he will give Melinda a peace about this situation. We love you guys and trust each of you with our spiritual growth. What we need right now is our church family to come together in one voice you guys know our heart in this situation and thank you more than you know.

Love ,
Eric


We received so many replies to this email with people praying for us. I can’t tell you how much it meant to us. I want to thank our church family for being there for us and for your continued prayers as we continue to search for our baby.

My arms are still empty

Today I was thinking that I really need to blog, but I wasn't sure what to blog about. I was trying to think of a title and these were the words that came to mind, "my arms are still empty". I really believed we would have our baby before the holidays. I guess I just really wanted to have it before the holidays so bad that I just let myself believe it would happen. There is such a HUGE void in my life that will only be filled when I am able to hold our baby. Anyone who has dealt with infertility will understand this, and believe it or not, there are a lot of people out there who think we should be able to just shrug it off. Clearly they haven't had a situation where their absolute deepest desire has not been met. I know we can't all know what it is like to know what someone else is feeling, but we should all be able to at least show compassion.
I know there are a lot of people out there praying for Eric and me, and our baby. PLEASE continue to pray. We need it SO much!!!