Lifetime

Today I sent our contract in to another adoption service. We are now with Lifetime Adoption Center. My mom actually came across them. I had been really depress, and she made it her mission to find a solution for us. She had been researching christian adoption services, and she had seen Lifetime, but had become more interested in a different agency. While getting ready for work, she happened to turn on the TV at the exact time the 700 Club was introducing Mardie Caldwell, the founder & director for Lifetime. Since they run the same episode at night as they do in the morning, I was able to see the interview. We sent in an application to Lifetime on 11/11/10, and after much prayer, we have decided to use their services. Lifetime is a national agency, so with much more exposure, we are praying for this process to move very fast. One of the great things about The Village of Hope, the adoption ministry we have been with for the last two years, is that their fees are around $9,000.00. I must admit that knowing the average cost of adoptions is over $20,000.00 has held us back from moving on to a different agency. It is very hard for me to get past the money aspect of it. The average cost of adopting with Lifetime is around $25,000.00 to $30,000.00.
As a way to help adoptive parents reduce the amount of their fees, and to also help the birth mothers, Lifetime Adoption Center and Lifetime Adoption Foundation have joined to offer a "Donate and Save Program". Friends and family can make tax deductible charitable donations to Lifetime Foundation in our name, and Lifetime Adoption Center will match those donations by reducing our fees, up to $3,800.00. Anyone who is willing to make a donation, please contact me at melindab399@gmail.com. I will send you the form needed as well as return envelope. Making a donation will not only help Eric and I with the expense of adopting, but it will also help birth mothers. They assist birth mothers with scholarships, medical expenses, living expenses, etc.. To learn more about the services that Lifetime Foundation offers to birth mothers, you can visit http://www.lifetimefoundatin.org/.
In order for us to have all donations in to be submitted with our final payment, we would need the donations in by December 17th. Any donation amount would be GREATLY appreciated by Eric and me.

Hearts of Hope

Hearts of Hope, the support group for women dealing with infertility, will have our first meeting tomorrow night, Oct. 18th. We will be meeting at 6:30 at Ridgecrest Baptist Church in Madison. Everyone please be in prayer for all the ladies who will be attending. I am so excited how God is already bringing women to our group. My mom let me borrow a book that has several stories in it how God brought families together. I was going to look over it and use a story for our first meeting. I had taken it with me to work, and as I was leaving work someone asked me what I was reading. I told her about the book and what I was using it for. She told me that a man at work had asked her if she new of an adoption agency. I told her to tell him about our group because it may be able to help his wife. Last Friday I called him, and he asked me to email him the information and he would pass it on to his wife. Friday night I got a message from his wife that she will be there, and that she had been looking for a support group in our area. It is so amazing that just because I had that book in my hand at the right moment, God used that to bring all of this about. There is one other girl that I have really been praying for. I have become friends with a cashier at Wal-Mart, (yes I know I have a problem when I go to Wal-Mart so much that the cashier recognizes me and we become friends :o) ) anyway, one of her teachers is dealing with infertility. From what I have been told she is having a really hard time. I have sent her a message, but I haven't heard back from her. I just pray she is getting the help she needs. The day that Reka, my friend at Wal-Mart, told me about her teacher, I knew that was the reason God created that friendship between us. He was preparing a way for me to reach out to her teacher. I pray we will have many more stories like these. I love being able to see how God is bringing this all together. When Connie first asked me about doing this, I really thought she was crazy because I thought I would be the last person God would want to do this. I am so proud to be involved with getting this group together. I am really feeling like this is God's calling for me. I knew when we had the failed adoption, God was preparing me to help others, and knowing that really helped me to get through it.

Infertility Support Group

Infertility has been the without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There are times I have thought I am just going crazy. I have cried til I'm completely tired of crying. I am so sick of the feelings I get when other people are able to have a family so easily, and I have been so desperately wanting a family for over 10 years. I am so tired of dreading the holidays, because it is just going to be another Christmas without children. I wonder if this empty feeling I have will ever be filled by children. I know there are many others who are feeling or have felt the exact same way. I never would have imagined that God would use me in the way He is using me now. Connie and I had our first meeting tonight to plan a support group for women who are dealing with infertility. Our first meeting will be at 6:30 on October 18th at Ridgecrest Baptist Church in Ridgeland. If you are in this area, and are dealing with infertility or know someone who is, please get in touch with me. I truly believe it will make such a huge difference in our lives to be around others who are dealing with the same pain, struggles, and emotions. People who haven't had to deal with infertility just don't understand. They may try to understand, but they just can't. If you are interested in joining our group, please email me at melindab399@gmail.com

Little Prayer, Big Answer

Well, I washed Eric's new cell phone in the washing machine last night. I discovered it this morning when I went to put the clothes in the dryer. I was devastated. I cried like someone had died. We got our new phones at the end of July, so we have barely had them over a month. If you know me, then you know I can be a bit of a penny pincher. I will even talk myself out of buying a drink at the store. We are talking just over a dollar, so you can only imagine how I would flip out over waisting hundreds of dollars. I cried all morning. I was in a foul mood all day at work. I know, it was only a cell phone, and it can be replaced, but it was a big deal to me. I prayed and prayed that after it dried out it would work. This afternoon, just as I was about to leave work, my phone rang, and on the caller ID it was Eric's cell phone number. IT WORKS!!!!!! I was so excited!!! Now I wouldn't have to pay to replace a phone that I had just bought. I now realize that God allowed that to happen. He knew how to get me where it would hurt....my pocket book. Lately I have been feeling that my prayers aren't being heard. It has seemed that none of my prayers have been answered. God knew I was needing to hear from Him. I needed to see Him doing something in my life. It is so hard to make it through the tough times, but we have to keep our minds and hearts open to what God may be trying to tell us through those situation. He told me today, that He is still here with me, and that He hasn't gone anywhere, and He does love me. My prayer today was for something small and some would say it was trivial, but I got a BIG answer from God.

The latest in our adoption process

I am going to try to make a long story short, but I just want to fill you all in on what has happened over the past couple of months. The Saturday before memorial day, Eric and I ran into Connie, with The Village of Hope. We were at a Wal-Mart on the other side of town, and it is one that we rarely go to. She said she couldn't believe she was running into us that day because she had just been talking to the birthmother that we had been working with last year. She had just talked to her 3 times that morning. The plan was that on June 2nd "R", the birthmother, was to be going to get Matthew from the lady who had been keeping him. Connie did not indicate at that time that "R" was going to get him because she had decided she wanted us to have him. She just said that she was going to get him and bring him back to MS. Needless to say, even without her saying anything, I was already getting my hopes up again, as hard as I was trying not to. The lady who was keeping him had already indicated that she wanted to keep him, and when "R" got up there to get him, the lady called DHS. With DHS involved, and us being in another state, the odds were stacking up against us, but I was holding on to the thought that this was finally it. The mother finally wants us to adopt him, and I just knew they would allow her to decide who would raise him. A court date was set for July 26. Of course I was hoping everything would get worked out before the court date, but that was not to be the case. The plan was that Connie, her husband, and the lawyer were going to be present for the court date. "R" had kept in touch with Connie until the end of June. Since "R" didn't have a phone, and she had been staying in a shelter, Connie had no way to get in touch with her. "R" has always kept in touch with Connie. Even when she left back in October, Connie knew exactly where she was going and as she moved around, she still let Connie know where she was. It is not like her to just cut off contact like that. To my knowledge, Connie still hasn't heard from her, and it has been well over a month now. I am really worried that something has happened to her. Needless to say, without "R" to say she wanted us to adopt him, we didn't stand a chance. I just knew this was going to be it. I was so disappointed when it didn't work out again. This whole process had been the biggest emotional roller coaster. I'll never forget the day she picked us. That was the happiest day, and only two weeks later it all came crashing down when she ran off. In January she had decided she wanted us to have him, and only a few days later, she allowed the people around her to talk her out of it. We have basically been strung along since October, not knowing what is going to happen, and hoping so much that he would come home to us. This time at least we have closure. We don't know, and may never know what happened with in court. I just pray that Matthew will be in a loving, Christian home, and not be moved from place to place in "the system".
At this point we just don't know what direction God is going to lead us in on this journey to adopt. Right now I just want to give up, because it just feels like it isn't ever going to happen for us. I am tired of hurting and worrying about it, but I still have that maternal need for a baby. I feel so incomplete without children. Please pray that God will lead us, and for His will to be done.

Scentsy

In order to earn extra money for our adoption fund, I have started selling Scentsy. With Scentsy, decorative warmers heated by a light bulb are used to melt scented wax. I have it set up in my office, and people are constantly commenting on how nice it smells. To see the products available, or to place orders online, please visit my website at www.melindabowers.scentsy.us If you live in my area, or in my hometown, and would be interested in hosting a party, I would really appreciate it. Please contact me if you have any questions.

Vacation

Thankfully we made it to the beach before the oil got there. We left Gulf Shores on Thursday, and the oil got there on Friday. This oil situation is so sad. We took a dolphin cruise, and when the dolphin started jumping out of the water, I just started to cry. It is so sad to know that the oil is killing so much wildlife.
My parents were able to come down and spend a few days with us. I am so glad they came. Here are a few pictures from our trip...

Mending My Relationship With God

The last couple of posts are not ones I am very proud of. They were my true feelings, but I wish that during these very difficult times, I had handled things differently. Back in February Eric and I had to come to terms with not getting Matthew. During this time I was sick with the crud and just didn't feeling like doing anything or getting out any more than I had to. We missed one Sunday of church, then another, then another. I prayed less and less, and quit reading my bible. I had a major break down when we went to our nephew's boy scouts program, and saw all the proud parents and grandparents. I cried so hard that night I almost made myself sick. Eric and I were both sinking into a very dark place. Neither one of us were able to be a support for the other. Neither one of us were trying to maintain our relationship with God. We were feeling forsaken, angry, and we were questioning why God is allowing us to hurt for so long over not having children. Eric and I were arguing a lot, and one night driving back from my parent's, I was going through my head trying to decide who would keep what when we went our separate ways. There are a lot of couples whose marriage doesn't make it through the stress of trying to adopt. Throw in the stress from work, finances, and a major home project, and we have several reasons for a failed marriage. We knew we had to make some changes if our marriage was going to survive. We love the people at the church we had gone to, but we knew we would need more spiritually in order to get our selves back in a good relationship with God and with each other. Several months ago I had run into one of my cousins, and I had asked her about her church. When we made the decision to go back to church, we decided to visit her church. Oh my, it was AWESOME!!!! Eric and I both really enjoy praise and worship time, and this church has an awesome praise and worship team. It just sets the mood for your worship time. I can't say enough good things about the pastor at this church. I have already learned so much from his sermons. He initiated meeting with us to get to know us better, and that meant so much to us. We have really enjoyed and look forward to the services at this church. We are not proud of the way we handled this failed adoption. Instead of drawing closer to God, we both drifted farther and farther away. We are now trying to heal, and put God back at the center of our lives. It is still hard at times, but I am so glad we are at least making an effort now. The last several Sundays the pastor has really been speaking to me about worship not just being something we do on Sundays. My personal worship time during the week has been lacking. In order to get my relationship with God where I want it to be, I know I have got to set aside time to spend with Him. I know we all have times we feel our prayers aren't being heard, but for such a long time, I had a tremendous negative feeling when I would think about praying or reading my bible. It really feels good to no longer have those negative feelings.
Today our pastor challenged us to read the book of Philippians. He wants us to read it twice. He said the first time just read it through, and then come back later that day or the next day and read it again while praying through it. I don't know why, but when he challenged us with this, I felt God was telling me to pass this challenge on through my blog. I pray that if you take this challenge, you will hear from God while reading and praying through Philippians.

Mothers Day

For the last several years, it has just become customary that we skip church on Mothers Day and Fathers Day. It is just too painful to watch the celebration for each of these holidays. This year has been especially difficult because I had thought that this was finally going to be the year I get to celebrate as a mom. I have dreaded it all week. Last Sunday when my cousin invited us over for lunch after church on Mothers Day, I so wanted to go, but I know the pain that day is going to bring. She was so understanding and just held me when I started to cry. After we left Eric said she is the first person who he has seen treat me the way I need to be treated in that situation. Friday a department down the hall had provided lunch for mothers. I had three people come in and ask me to come down and join them. I know they were just being kind, but they made it so hard when they just didn't want to take no for an answer. I went down to the cafeteria to get something, and while I am waiting on my order, the guy is telling all the women "Happy Mothers Day" as he gives them their order. I just started dreading getting my plate. A woman was beside me who knows what I've been through, and she asked me if I was OK. All I could do was shake my head no. She was so sweet, and went to get me a napkin, because of course I am starting to cry again. I spent my lunch break sitting outside crying. It is just so much harder this year. I just keep thinking that Matthew should be here with us and this should be a day of celebration for us. Instead it is a day of grieving. Over a year ago I made the comment to someone that I hope we never have to go through a failed adoption because it would be like having a miscarriage. She was so quick to tell me it was NOT like a miscarriage. Of course I never meant to compare the physical, but you cannot tell me that the hurt of a failed adoption is any less than that of a couple grieving after miscarriage. One aspect that makes this harder is the fact of knowing the child I had started thinking of as my son is out there somewhere, and we held out hope for so long that she would change her mind and he would eventually come home to us. At this point if that were to happen it would be nothing but a pure miracle. I'm sorry for another depressing post. Hopefully one day soon I will post about something happy.

Finally accepting this as a failed adoption

I have typed up several post lately, but each one has been deleted in the end. They have just all sounded too depressing and negative, but that is just what I have been feeling lately. We'll see if this one actually gets posted. A big part of my reason for blogging is to share our experience with adoption, the good and bad. If you have been following this blog, you know that we have recently been through a failed adoption. I have had a real hard time accepting this as a "failed adoption" and not just a "post poned adoption". After the birthmother left in October, I still hung on to hope it was going to eventually work out. I kept that hope from October until just a few weeks ago. It was my choice to keep receiving updates on Matthew, and by doing so, I wasn't able to let go. Well, I have finally had to just let it go and realize this just isn't the one. My mom has told me that so many people have told her that they can't believe how positive I have been through all of this. Holding on to that hope is what kept me going and kept me positive. Well, now that I am feeling that the hope is gone, my attitude is horrible. We are now finally dealing with the loss of Matthew. I'm sure it may be hard for some to understand, but when we were told the birthmother chose us, in my mind he became my son. Just as I'm sure when someone finds out they are expecting, even though they haven't seen the baby, touched the baby, or even heard the baby's heartbeat, they love that baby and start planning their life with that baby. That is exactly how it was for us. We started loving Matthew the moment we were chosen. I'll never forget that moment and the excitement we felt. We felt like our wait was finally over. We have hurt for so long wanting a child, and that was all about to end. Only now we have a whole new hurt. We still hurt longing for a child, but now we are also hurting over loosing Matthew. I don't think I will ever stop loving or thinking about Matthew. Each month on the 16th I am reminded that he is another month older, and I truly believe that I will always think of him and wonder how his is doing on December 16th. People try to make us feel better by telling us "something is going to come along for y'all', or "God must have something else in store for y'all", or "just be patient, it is going to happen". I know they are just trying to be helpful, but I just can't tell you how many times I have heard it over and over. We have been waiting for a child for around 9 years now. We are both getting to the age that we are starting to feel like we are too old to become parents. I know God's time is not our time. Patience is a hard thing to come by when you are in a situation like this. I just hope that one day we will be able to see the reason for all this and understand His plan in all this. Right now we are not able to understand why, and that is one of the things that makes it so difficult.

Easely Amused

My friend Mary and I took a painting class tonight at Easely Amused. Mary and I had such a great time together. I wanted to take this particular class to paint Irises. There are certain flowers that remind me of my grandmother, and Irises are one of them. I am going to give this painting to her for her 97th birthday, which is tomorrow. I am so thankful to still have my grandmother. She has always meant so much to me. One of the things I will always remember about her is that whenever I would get sick as a child, I would always want to call her because she would bring me a six pack of the little bottled grape juice. She would usually also bring a coloring book or something else to occupy me. I sure do miss going to her house every Sunday for lunch. We don't realize how much we will miss the little things like that until we're no long able to do them.

If you're interested in taking a class, you can see their schedule at www.easelyamused.com. Here are a few pictures from our class.

Snow Day

Last Friday, Feb. 12, we actually had SNOW in Mississippi. It was a beautiful day. We didn't have to go to work, so that was an added bonus. Eric and I went over to see our nephews, and we had a snowball fight. That was the most fun we had all day. I was so excited to see it snow, but it was also depressing to see all the families out building snowmen together. It just made me long for a child even more. Anyway, this isn't supposed to be another post about a baby.
I can't remember the last time it snowed here and actually amounted to anything. We have had a few "dustings" but nothing like this. I am so thankful God gave us such a beautiful day.

The Natchez Trace Parkway

Gavin and Cody

God's Protection

God is protecting Matthew. The birth mother did not give custody to the guy. We were very concerned about what would have happened to Matthew if that had happened. No decision has been made by the birthmother. We feel like we are back to where we were before, just waiting to see what happens. I am just thankful God protected Matthew from what could have happened if she had gone through with giving custody to that guy. Please keep praying that God's will be done.

We Need a Miracle

If we are to get Matthew, the baby that we thought we were going to get, we need a miracle. Things are at a point right now that will finalize this situation one way or the other. Right now the birthmother is saying she is going to give custody to someone else. She is supposed to go and sign the papers next week. She has gone back and forth with it, so I just can't give up hope yet. I won't have closure until she has signed the papers. I have said that I want our adoption to be a witness and to be able to see how God put it all together. If this is the one, boy, I had no idea what I was asking for. This will have been a bit more than what I had in mind, because if this works out the way we want it to, it will be nothing but a miracle from God. The situation is a lot more detailed than what I can make public, but just know that right now it does not look good at all. Hopefully one day this will all work out and I can explain just how bizarre this situation is. I keep telling people that this is the kind of stuff you would see on Dateline, it is that weird. Please pray for us and everyone involved right now. Please especially pray that God will give the birthmother the wisdom to make the right decision, whatever that may be. I pray for His will to be done.

Happy Birthday!!!

Today is my mama's 60th birthday. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful mother. She has been more like a sister to me than a mother. I am so glad we have had the opportunity to do so many things together.
We had a surprise party for her, and we got her good. She had no idea what was going on. I practically had to push her into the room where the party was. I want to thank everyone who came to make it such a special occasion for her.