You would think that once I finally have a child, I would be posting about him all the time. Well, everytime I think about blogging, I know there is a something I am supposed to post about, and I just don't want to do it. It is very personal feelings, but I feel that God is wanting me to share this. So, I hope it touches the right person.
When the adoption in April fell apart, I became VERY bitter. I don't know how other people could stand me, because I couldn't even stand myself. I withdrew from everyone, even God. I didn't want to see or speak to anyone, including Him. I was holding onto that bitterness so strong that when we got Brody, I found it hard to let go and accept the gift that God was giving me. When Brody was brought to us, I was told that he mainly went to men. That first night I was only able to hold him for about 5 minutes, but every man who was here that night was able to hold him. Brody and I have had our issues of him pushing me away. Even now he wants his daddy to put him down, and he will even push me away sometimes when giving him a bath. I have yet to get to hold him during church. He may come to me for a second, but he is right back with his daddy. I want him to want me just as much as I want him. It hurts me so bad when he will literally push on me and cry for his daddy. I know he loves me, because he doesn't always do this, but for some reason, he will still push me away sometimes. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day, that is how God must feel when I am pushing Him away. He is wanting me to cling to him, all the while I am pushing him away. I have thought for so long that once I become a mother, my life is going to be perfect because that is the one thing I am missing. I was wrong. I have pushed God away, and my life isn't the same without Him. I know God has wanted me to write this for a long time. As much as I have tried, I just couldn't get my relationship right with Him. Even as I am typing this, I am feeling a weight lifting. Until I obeyed Him, things just weren't going to be the same as they were before I became so bitter. No matter what it is in this life that we think will make us complete, including a child, we will never be complete without God in our lives. I pray that whoever is supposed to read this will be helped by this. If I can be of any help to someone, you may just need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me at melindab399@gmail.com.
Pajama Party
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2 comments:
I know from experience how hard it was for you to write this. I also know that obedience opens the door for God's blessings. I have no doubt that there is someone who needs to read this. There is nothing like the "high" you feel when you have been used by God to minister to someone else. Your obedience honors God, and it makes your mama very proud of you. I love you!
i LOVED this post. thanks for sharing. :)
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