More ups and downs

The last month or so has been an emotional roller coaster, and I am ready to get off of this ride. On March 21st we finally had our money together to make our final payment to Lifetime. I ordered or 50 copies of our profile, and we were on our way. I had called Connie that day to tell her how things were going. (she is with The Village of Hope, the other agency we have been with) We played phone tag, and when I finally was able to talk to her, I just went into the whole spill of what was going on with me. I was so excited to officially begin this journey with Lifetime. Once I had rambled on, she finally asked me if she could tell me what she needed to talk to me about. She told me she had a birth mother who had seen our profile and she had chosen us to adopt her baby boy, who was due at anytime. She told me that when I had called her the first time, the birth mother was right in the middle of looking at our profile. She told the birth mother who was on the phone, and she said that was weird, and Connie said no, that is God because we don't talk on a regular basis. Needless to say I was ecstatic, but I also had reservations since we were at the point of going active with Lifetime. Of course the excitement of getting a baby so soon won out, and all my reservations disappeared. A meeting was set for us to meet the birth mother, and it just happened to be that Sunday, March 27th at 2:00; which just happened to be our 12th anniversary at the exact time we were married. She was very nervous, but we had a very good meeting. We were very comfortable with her and knew we would be able to have a good relationship with her. After what happened before, we decided not to tell everyone, but we would tell a few people close to us. Since it was happening so fast, I called my close circle of friends together that night. I have such great friends that were so willing to drop everything within a moments notice to get together. Once I told them, we were all so happy and excited. I remember thinking, so this is what it feels like to really be happy. Oh but how quickly things can change with adoption. While we were celebrating Connie calls to tell me that she had received a call from the guy that is supposedly the birth father. He told her that he would not go along with the adoption because he does not believe in adoption. Really??? How can you not believe in adoption? Man, talk about going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I was devastated. Thankfully I was still with my friends, otherwise I would have been home alone. Once Connie told the birth mother what was going on, she told Connie he may not be the father because she had been with someone else as well. She said she had been too embarrassed to say that from the start. With there being hope that the first guy wasn't the father, we moved ahead with faith that it was still going to work out. She had her Dr. appointment that week, and they scheduled her C-section for April 7th. We continued to make plans to bring the baby home from the hospital. I had gotten pretty much everything we would need, now all we needed was that baby. On the Monday before he was born, Connie called and told me she had talked to the guy and that he had agreed to do a DNA test. She said that since he is probably going to be the father, she wouldn't recommend us taking the baby home. The decision was ours to make, because the birth mother still wanted us to take the baby. Ultimately we decided not to because we just couldn't handle having to give him back. We did go to the hospital when he was born. We saw the birth mother before she had him, and we were able to meet her mom. The only time we saw him was when her mom was bringing him in the room to be cleaned and checked. We stayed until she came back in the room and just went in to tell her bye. Eric and I were both glad we were there when he was born. That following weekend was HORRIBLE!!!! Just knowing we would have been bringing him home. I had Eric pack up all the baby stuff and put it in the attic. Just seeing all that stuff packed up before he took it up tore my heart out. To say we were miserable is an understatement. Our whole world was turned upside down...again. Someone close to us just looked at this whole thing as nothing more than a business deal gone bad. That is NOT what this is. It is much deeper than that. They told me I just need to get over it and move on with Lifetime. OH MY!!! How can you see the pain we are in and say that??? I can't just jump right into something else when I haven't had time to grieve the loss of this baby. I finally told her that she wouldn't be telling me to just get over it if I had had a miscarriage, and this is the same thing, I lost a baby! My body may not have gone through the physical loss, but I certainly was feeling the emotional loss.
Now...to jump forward almost 5 weeks, the last I heard the guy still hasn't done the DNA test. The birth mother had no choice but to keep the baby, so she has bonded with hm now. If the guy never has the DNA test, or if he does and he isn't the father, she probably won't be able to give him up now that she has had him this long. I know the odds are stacked against us, but I can't help but have a voice in the back of my mind telling me maybe it will work out. I will be so glad to officially know one way or the other.