Mothers Day

For the last several years, it has just become customary that we skip church on Mothers Day and Fathers Day. It is just too painful to watch the celebration for each of these holidays. This year has been especially difficult because I had thought that this was finally going to be the year I get to celebrate as a mom. I have dreaded it all week. Last Sunday when my cousin invited us over for lunch after church on Mothers Day, I so wanted to go, but I know the pain that day is going to bring. She was so understanding and just held me when I started to cry. After we left Eric said she is the first person who he has seen treat me the way I need to be treated in that situation. Friday a department down the hall had provided lunch for mothers. I had three people come in and ask me to come down and join them. I know they were just being kind, but they made it so hard when they just didn't want to take no for an answer. I went down to the cafeteria to get something, and while I am waiting on my order, the guy is telling all the women "Happy Mothers Day" as he gives them their order. I just started dreading getting my plate. A woman was beside me who knows what I've been through, and she asked me if I was OK. All I could do was shake my head no. She was so sweet, and went to get me a napkin, because of course I am starting to cry again. I spent my lunch break sitting outside crying. It is just so much harder this year. I just keep thinking that Matthew should be here with us and this should be a day of celebration for us. Instead it is a day of grieving. Over a year ago I made the comment to someone that I hope we never have to go through a failed adoption because it would be like having a miscarriage. She was so quick to tell me it was NOT like a miscarriage. Of course I never meant to compare the physical, but you cannot tell me that the hurt of a failed adoption is any less than that of a couple grieving after miscarriage. One aspect that makes this harder is the fact of knowing the child I had started thinking of as my son is out there somewhere, and we held out hope for so long that she would change her mind and he would eventually come home to us. At this point if that were to happen it would be nothing but a pure miracle. I'm sorry for another depressing post. Hopefully one day soon I will post about something happy.