Finally accepting this as a failed adoption

I have typed up several post lately, but each one has been deleted in the end. They have just all sounded too depressing and negative, but that is just what I have been feeling lately. We'll see if this one actually gets posted. A big part of my reason for blogging is to share our experience with adoption, the good and bad. If you have been following this blog, you know that we have recently been through a failed adoption. I have had a real hard time accepting this as a "failed adoption" and not just a "post poned adoption". After the birthmother left in October, I still hung on to hope it was going to eventually work out. I kept that hope from October until just a few weeks ago. It was my choice to keep receiving updates on Matthew, and by doing so, I wasn't able to let go. Well, I have finally had to just let it go and realize this just isn't the one. My mom has told me that so many people have told her that they can't believe how positive I have been through all of this. Holding on to that hope is what kept me going and kept me positive. Well, now that I am feeling that the hope is gone, my attitude is horrible. We are now finally dealing with the loss of Matthew. I'm sure it may be hard for some to understand, but when we were told the birthmother chose us, in my mind he became my son. Just as I'm sure when someone finds out they are expecting, even though they haven't seen the baby, touched the baby, or even heard the baby's heartbeat, they love that baby and start planning their life with that baby. That is exactly how it was for us. We started loving Matthew the moment we were chosen. I'll never forget that moment and the excitement we felt. We felt like our wait was finally over. We have hurt for so long wanting a child, and that was all about to end. Only now we have a whole new hurt. We still hurt longing for a child, but now we are also hurting over loosing Matthew. I don't think I will ever stop loving or thinking about Matthew. Each month on the 16th I am reminded that he is another month older, and I truly believe that I will always think of him and wonder how his is doing on December 16th. People try to make us feel better by telling us "something is going to come along for y'all', or "God must have something else in store for y'all", or "just be patient, it is going to happen". I know they are just trying to be helpful, but I just can't tell you how many times I have heard it over and over. We have been waiting for a child for around 9 years now. We are both getting to the age that we are starting to feel like we are too old to become parents. I know God's time is not our time. Patience is a hard thing to come by when you are in a situation like this. I just hope that one day we will be able to see the reason for all this and understand His plan in all this. Right now we are not able to understand why, and that is one of the things that makes it so difficult.