Another Christmas Without a Baby

This is a post I REALLY didn't want to do, but as I've mentioned before, subjects or titles will come to me, and they will just feel right. I feel it is God letting me know what He wants me to blog. I am using this blog to document our whole adoption process, and if I am going to be honest, it would not be right for me to leave out the feelings we are dealing with right now. The closer it gets to Christmas, the worse it is getting. Christmas is like a deadline, we thought we were going to have our baby by Christmas. This was supposed to be THE Christmas, the one we finally get to celebrate with a baby. Before the birth mother left, everything seemed to be going perfect. If I had written out how I wanted our "adoption story" to be, I couldn't have written it out any more perfect than how it was going. We were seeing God in so many different aspect of the process. I mentioned before about how I had just added pictures to our profile, and those were the ones that made her pick us. Connie told me how we were to be the third couple shown to the birth mother, but God eliminated the other two couples which made us the first ones shown. She looked at ours and never made it to the other two profiles Connie had available to show her. I just briefly mentioned in a previous post that God even let us know what He wanted him named. We already had a name picked out, but when we found out we were getting him, I started looking through boy names just to make sure. There was one particular name I just kept feeling drawn to because of the meaning. The day we met the birth mother, that is the name she was calling him....Matthew, which means A Gift From God. When we left our meeting with her, we went to see Eric's mom at her work. She had said that they found a perfectly good booster car seat out in the parking lot. She gave it to us to hang onto for later. Eric was holding it and noticed something written on the side of it...Matthew. Matthew is not the name I would have picked, but I just felt God was letting us know He wanted him named Matthew. So, like I said, everything seemed perfect and then she just all of a sudden left. With all the things that had happened, I just couldn't let myself believe this was really over. She did keep in contact with Connie while she was at her mother's, but once she left there, she stopped returning Connie's calls and text. Eric and I are just really struggling with this right now, because our "deadline" is almost here. In a way we just feel like if it hasn't happened by Christmas, it isn't going to happen. I know Christmas isn't a real deadline, and something could change at any moment, but for us emotionally, this is our deadline. I tried to talk Eric into just going away for Christmas, and getting a cabin in the mountains, but he wanted to stay here. I think now he is regretting staying. Eric had been real snippy with me this weekend, and we finally just had a huge blow up yesterday morning. Our tempers flared and we said things we really didn't mean. Eric is the type of person who tries to hide his emotions. He had just finally reached a breaking point, and all heck broke loose. Once we were able to finally calm down, and apologize, things did seem to be a little better. Back when we thought we were getting Matthew, someone told me at least I wouldn't have a long wait. I said but I have been waiting 9 years. They said but at least you don't have to wait 9 months to get your baby. I have to tell you, I would much rather have a 9 month wait and know that baby will be mine than to go through this. When adopting, the process can be very fast, you could even get a call that a baby is ready right then. But the shorter wait in finding out about a baby doesn't in any way make up for the years we have waited, and all the suffering we have gone through in that time.
The last several days I have not been able to sleep through the night. I've been up at 2 a.m., 4:30 a.m., and this morning it was 3:30 a.m. Just now I was thinking that if we had gotten Matthew, I would probably be up all during the night taking care of him, not sitting her typing this blog. Just knowing he is out there somewhere, and knowing there is no way he can really be taken care of the way any baby deserves is driving me crazy. She doesn't even have a home, she is on the run, so there is no telling what is happening with him. I just wish she would put her own feelings aside and put the needs of her baby first. I just don't understand these women who keep their babies when they don't have the means to truly care for them and provide a stable home for them. I am not saying I believe that giving your baby up for adoption would be an easy thing to do, but I do believe that when you are basically homeless, you need to think of your baby's needs first and let it have a chance to be part of a real family and have a real home.
I hope I'm not bringing everyone down with this post. That is why I really didn't want to do it, but I felt God wanted me to do it. Who knows, maybe it will in some way help someone who is dealing with the same type of situation. It has always helped be when reading someone else's blog to realize I am not the only one going through this, and I am not the only one who has felt the things I am feeling now. Adoption is a very hard process. I had no idea how hard it would be when we made the decision two years ago to try to adopt. You really need to be in a stable marriage to go through this process. When I saw Connie Wednesday to give her the stuff I collected for the other birth mother, she said that a lot of couples don't make it through failed adoptions. Yesterday I was beginning to think Eric and I were going to be part of that statistic. Thankfully we are better now. Mama told me last night that someone had told her that I seem to be so strong. God has protected me, because had this happened last year, I would not have made it through this. I would have fallen into such a deep depression, I don't know what would have happened. Since God has saved me now, I am handling this much better than I would have imagined, but the fact is it still hurts. I know God is helping me through this, even though lately I have not had as close of a relationship with him as I should. I do know God is in control of this whole situation. I know there is a reason for this happening, but right now that just doesn't take away the hurt. People say well I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Well, yes it was. This was meant to be part of God's plan for us. He knew this was going to happen the day we found out about this baby. We just have to make it through right now so we can see what God has "meant to be" for us later.

Thankful for my church family

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful church family. They really came through for the girl who is having her baby next week. Any time there is a need, my church family is always willing to help others. Anyone who comes to our church always comments on how friendly everyone is and how they felt so welcome there. When Eric and I were visiting other churches, we were rarely even spoken to. When we went to this church, we had people lining up to come speak to us. I knew from the first time we went there that that was where I wanted to be. We had passed by this church for two years, and had never even given thought to going there. I am so thankful God led us to that church and to the wonderful people there.

Why Me God???

I know a lot of you are anxious for an update, but I can assure you that you can’t be any more anxious than I am. I talked to Connie Monday and she has not been able to get in touch with the birth mother. Just from my own speculation, I figure she has probably had him and doesn’t want to talk to Connie now that she’s had him. I would really like to have closure and know for sure, but we may never know.
When I talked to Connie Monday I had asked her about the needs of the women at The Christmas Village. I had thought our ladies group at church could get Christmas presents for them. She said they have a lady now who has an urgent need. She is scheduled for a C-section on December 17 and she doesn’t have hardly anything for her baby. She is planning to raise her son. Her family isn’t having anything to do with her because she is keeping him. All she has for him is some Onesies and bottles. I have asked my church family to donate items for her and her baby. I have to say, this isn’t something I really wanted to do. I mean basically I am helping her to be able to keep her baby. I just wonder how she plans to provide for her baby, and why she wouldn’t let a family adopt the baby to provide a home for him. I hate it, but that is the selfish side of me thinking this. I would love nothing more than to bring that baby home, but for some reason I just feel really strongly about helping this lady. I feel God is really wanting to use me to help her. I’m not sure why he would pick me. I just want to detach myself from this type of situation, but I am going to do WHATEVER I feel He wants me to do.